houseofchimeras: (Default)
Description: A gray therian has a full body phantom shift while at school.
Date First Written : January 2008

My psychology teacher talked, giving his lecture on human behavior. At times he quoted the class psychology book, while at other times he spoke from his own memory of the subject of the day. The whole class was relatively quite. No one really spoke apart from the teacher. The only common sounds in the classroom were faint ones just audible though very quite. The quiet sound of pencils scraping against paper as people -myself included- wrote down notes on what was being said by the teacher; the quite moan and groan from old wooded and metal desks creaking as people shifted in their seats; of the sound of the rubber bottoms of shoes sliding lazily against the concrete floor; and other random everyday sounds of a high school classroom.

I sat at my desk near the back in one of the outside rows, quietly listening as usual. I found psychology really pretty festinating actually and the teacher we had was actually pretty good. I loved to the hear the theories and brake-down of behavior and mind-set plus the concepts that explained how the brain worked and why and how we dreamed. A lot of things about psychology I liked. It often made me wonder in amusement and interest what some of the psychologists we read about would think of part of my identification let alone other people like me. Course, from what I had heard, a few small studies had occurred on very small scales but nothing that big from what I had heard anywhere in my few years around the communities related to my identification.

This part of my identity was much more then just a belief or perception for me. It was fact of my life, which I lived with every day and every moment no matter what, for better and for worse. Something that was as much a part of me as much as I could possibly imagine. This was such a strong part of my identity and my daily experiences that in some ways it was as much a of me as anything physical about me. It was very deeply embedded and nestled within my very heart and soul as far as I was concerned even at this point in my life after feeling this way sense I was a child. This part of my identity was the fact that - though I was fully and complete human physically - my heart, mind, and even what I thought of as my soul told me without dough that my inner self was that of a wolf.  I didn’t know how or why I was the way I was. Whether it was because it was from reincarnation and that I had been a gray wolf in a past life, or whether it was because I had somehow strongly imprinted in some way with wolves and other canines at a very young age, or whether it was because I some kind of naturally occurring brain abnormality; or some other cause all together I didn‘t know. I didn’t really care actually, because I was myself regardless if I ever knew that fact or not.

I shifted my weight so all my weight was focused more on one side of my hip. I did not like sitting in these desks at times like that. It was times like this that the desks was uncomfortable then. Not that they were any more or less comfortable any other time, but simply more uncomfortable at this point. I had a nagging pitched or pulled pain that was almost like the pain one gets when one’s arm is being pulled back onto one’s own back. I shifted my weight around again, trying to find a better position that might provide me with some kind of relief from my discomfort.

What was accruing was my tail, phantom though it was, had become very solid in how I was feeling it much more so than usual when I had a phantom tail. My ghost of a tail had been a near constant silent companion to me along with my phantom ears for quite a while now anymore, but at this time the feelings had been increased up. Other phantoms that I experienced like a muzzle or fur came and went for hours to days, but my spectral wolf ears and tail always stayed. They were a fact of my every day life. Sometimes they were weak and very ghost-like with being more detached in there reality to me, while at other times my phantom limbs were so solid in feel that if I didn’t know better I might feel the urge to double check to make sure that they were not actually really there somehow.

Today was one of those days when my phantom tail had became even more intense than usual and felt very solid to me. Even though I knew very well my phantom limbs were all in my mind it never made the discomfort of sitting in a hard desk with a tail sticking out of one’s tailbone and getting cramped up against me any easier at all.    

I set my pencil down on my paper for a moment as I shifted my weight even more off to the side, before finally finding the relief I had been seeking for my phantom tail. My tail lay curled around beside me in my seat on my left side. Three or four years of experience had taught me that not only was this method more comfortable it was also safer. The reason being that line of thinking was that: not only could my phantom limbs feel very ghostly or solid, they could also react like they were ghostly or solid. When my phantoms reacted ghostly they would pass through anything like a ghost and there would be no real sensation on my part apart from the presence of the limb itself. When my phantom felt very solid to me they would act like they were really there and they would not pass through solid objects. Instead could feel the confinement and such as thought it was actually there. The cause of my safely measure had come about after a classmate who had sat behind me in Spanish class a few years ago had kicked the back of my chair and had hit my tail dead-on. The pain that had shot up my spine was similar to that of someone had actually kicked me. After that I had taken care to protect my phantom limbs as much as I did any of my real limbs. 

Once our teacher started on information I felt I wanted to write down again, I quickly picked up my pencil and begun to take notes once more. My ears twitched and turned, without forethought from me, with my every thought and emotion. They would perk-up more, then slant backward, then return to normal, then move ever so slightly this way or that. That was how it always was though I hardly noticed my ears movement at any time unless I was actively noting it because it was so second nature.

My tail mostly lay motionless beside me apart from the occasional slow, slight wag of the tip of my tail for one reason or another at times. Usually, like my ears, my phantoms acted without my willful thought making them move less I really needed them to move. My ears and tail moved like any other body part – without any effect on my conscious mind for it was all a natural motion. By the way my phantoms reacted to things around me and how I reacted to them they might as well been physically real. They were real enough to me, real enough not to be imaging them. My phantom limbs were real enough even though they were not physically there.

The boy beside me raised his hand to ask a question. The teacher quickly stopped to call on him and answer him. My phantom ears came forward with sudden acute interest as the teacher’s answer spawned my own question. I consciously made my tail wag once, for my own amusement. The teacher quickly answered my question and went back to this lecture. My curiosity satisfied, my ears relaxed back to there normal position.

At that time my psychology teacher called that that was enough for the day and retired to his desk. I glanced at the wall clock to see that we only had about two minutes left. I placed my papers back in my large binder and put my pencil into the pouch which was snapped into my binder. I got my things set up to rush out the door as soon as the bell rang due to the fact that I had to make it across the campus to get to my next class which would be Chemistry.

With everything ready to go I relaxed back into my seat, waiting for the bell to ring. As I sat I let my mind wander in random thought. I thought about my English assignment that was due after lunch. I wondered if the weather was going to be nice after school in hopes of being able to go to the park for a while or if there was any possibility of going camping this fall. At the thought of camping it brought back a passing thought that caused my phantom ears twitched and folded back slightly in response. I was part of the therian community online and I had been sense I was fifteen. Now that I had my own car and I was a senior in high school my parents were a lot easier on me. There were a few people that lived in my rough area that I had been talking to off and on for a while. One of those therians that lived in a city just an hour away from me, a cougar who was a few years older then me and was already in their second year of college, was pretty cool. He and I had already had a number of mini-hangouts already over the year, and we actually had a fair lot in common besides just being therians. Us and a few others had been playing the idea of having a gather, or “howl,” in the next few months. The idea of seeing Purring Joe (his username and his real name was Joe), the cougar therian again plus the idea of seeing other therians while going camping made my phantom tail wag. That would be fun for sure.

As I sat there waiting up till that last few seconds of class I then randomly had an image come to mind. The image of how I see myself as a gray wolf - a regular mixed gray and some pale tan coat. The first mental image was myself as a gray wolf with a pack in a snowy open plain, but the second mental image was of myself as a gray wolf sitting as I was right then and there. Of a gray wolf having to sit down in the seat that I was sitting in. Hindquarters sitting in the seat with tail slightly draped around the side with front paws laying up along the desk.

My mind locked on the ‘feel’ of my theriotype being in the place of my physical human body. It was now around me in my senses and feelings. I felt the numb and disembodied presence of a phantom sensation come around me, but it was not just ears, tail, or muzzle; it was everything else as well. My full wolf body was my phantom sensation. My whole physical human body was shadowed by a phantom wolf body.

I slowly glanced about the room calmly, feeling my phantom wolf head turn along with my physical human head in the same space as my physical body. My phantom wolf body sat on its – my? – haunches in my seat. My right arm lay in my lap and my left one lay on the desk beside my book and folder. Similarly, my phantom wolf body appeared to be trying to mimic and match my physical body as best I could. My right foreleg set upright on the seat of the desk supporting my weight while my left foreleg lay on my desk table. My phantom body was trying to do what my physical body was doing to the best of what my brain thought wolf anatomy would allow.

I felt my muzzle in front of my face and the fur that covered my phantom body. I still felt my tail curled beside me and my ears on my head but now they were a part of a full body. I did not just have phantom limbs now; I now had a phantom body. A phantom apparition that was me sitting in the same space as my physical body. My phantom wolf body was sitting fully like a wolf in a school desk that was uncomfortable for a human body any day of the year and even more so for a wolf.

Despite that, I liked it. I liked the feel of my phantom wolf body being there over me. I had had full wolf body phantoms before, though very rarely. Though having a phantom wolf body was always a bit odd and even awkward at times.

With acute questioning interest I lifted my arm off the table slightly only to feel my front leg mimic it. My phantom ears twitched forward and the corners of my phantom muzzle’s lips slightly to brake-out into a wolf-like grin. I laid my arm down then and set my other arm on the desk beside it, my phantom limbs acting accordingly. I was so easily amused at times indeed.

At that moment, the bell let out its sudden shrill ring at that moment signaling the end of the hour causing my ears to perk-up in attention. There was a rush of sound: books closing, shoes pushing against the floor, books sliding off the desks, people beginning to talk to one another, and so on as the all headed for the door.

Automatically I physically stood up from my desk, my folder and math book held propped up at my chest. However my phantom body landed on all fours to the ground in my place. I felt my wolf body standing straight where I was along with feeling my physical body. I felt all four paws against cold, hard, smooth concrete besides just the feel of my real two feet surrounded by the warm confinement of my own shoes and the pressure of gravity against the soles of my feet.

Without missing a beat I began to walk for the door. To anyone else I was just a normal teenage guy, as they didn’t know the feelings that I felt daily and certainly didn’t know of the sensations I felt now right now walking both as a human and a wolf out with them out of the classroom. They did not know of this feeling of a ghost-like wolf body walking within my step nor the feeling my every day phantom tail sticking out of my butt and the phantom ears on top of my head otherwise either. Life really was weird that way.

My phantom wolf head was not with my own head but down low to the ground in a natural position for a gray wolf. I felt my wolf muzzle open slightly in light pant as all six of my legs – two real, four phantom – walked out the door and into the hallway of the school. I felt the motion of my phantom wolf legs walking with perfect pace with my body but in a different sync. I had lost my regular phantom tail that felt like it came out of my tailbone and now only had the phantom tail that was attached to my phantom wolf body. Said tail now wagged slightly as I walked down the halls to my next class. I was enjoying this feeling indeed.

I could feel people pass me, not just with my physical body but with my phantom body as well. I could feel their presence as much with my wolf body as I could with my human one. When people brushed up against my shoulder or arm as we all tried to hurried to our next class in the packed hallway, I could even feel there legs bush up against my wolf body. Their real bodies rumbling against that thick wolf fur along my phantom body. As I walked briskly down the hall avoiding groups of people standing still or walking too slowly for my pace I felt my wolf body do the same.

As I moved I felt my dull claws at the tip of my wolf body’s paws gently tap and scrape against the marble surface of the school floor. I even slightly felt the slight bounce and shift of my body fur as I quickly walked. My wolf head turned with my physical one as I kept looking around for the best way to get through as the people around me did the same.

In my own mind it felt like my brain was working double time. Processing the movements of my physical body as well as processing the movements of my phantom body. Feelings and sensations from both  having to be worked out. It felt like my balance was all over the place, even though more than likely to the outside world my balance seemed fine and normal. I even falsely ‘saw’ what it would be like if my real eyes were where the eyes of my phantom wolf body were right then. Looking about with being almost level with people’s thighs. I felt a bit awkward to me, but the rest of the experience I was enjoying to much to care about that.

As I turned a corner and headed straight for the door into my Chemistry classroom, my wolf self padding along with me as it had after sitting up at the end of my last class. I walked into the classroom and made my way quickly to my usual seat as my classmates were also coming in and finding their usual seats as well. As I slid sideways into my seat I felt my phantom self hopping onto the cold, plastic seat and sit down to mimic me. I felt wolf front paws resting on the top of the desk while my hindquarters rested against the back of the chair as I rest down my folder and book. A moment later the bell rang signaling the beginning of the class. 
houseofchimeras: (Default)
Description: A red wolf therian has deep mental shift in the privacy of the backyard one night.
Date First Written : September 2008

I turned to look at the clock on my nightstand by my bed which now read 11:38 at night, only to turn my head back to my TV set and continue to flip through channels. I was anxious that weekend night. Not, an anxiety anxious, but an antsy and energetic anxious. I was full of a energy that just wouldn’t settle and set like the sun. In fact, it had started to creep in as the sun was almost gone from sight and as the night came on it had been growing stronger by the minute. I kept flipped through the channels but nothing was really on. I didn’t want to watch TV nor did I feel like doing anything like that really at all. I growled lightly to myself.

I sat-up in my bed where I had been laying while watching TV and stretched. I looked at the clock again and then back at the TV one more time before I got up walked over to turned it off. My room instantly went dark and silent. The only faint light to see with came from my window that still had the blinds open showing off our backyard.

I went to my window and looked out. I sighed quietly after a moment as I saw the calm night sky behind the darker outline of the trees two from our yard and a number of others from our neighbors but I couldn’t see the rest of their yards because of our privacy fence. From the window I could not see the sky well because of the house overhang and the trees, but what I could see of it was a clear, beautiful cloudless night sky. It was a beautiful early fall night. The weather had been beautiful the past few days like this with the temperature being perfect as far as I was concerned.

Thinking of and seeing the outdoors made me feel something well up in my chest. I felt the strong urge to howl right then and there, but I kept my mouth shut and silent. I wanted to howl but my howling might wake my parents up if I wasn‘t careful. That was the last thing I wanted and needed. I would rather not try and explain why I was howling let alone having to explain my therianthropy to them. That last thing was the last thing I wanted really, telling them their dear child of 17 years was actually a red wolf with a human body. My parents worrying over my last year of high school was enough for me to deal with. So instead I simply closed my window blinds, and slipped out of my room without a sound. 

The rest of the house was dark and still of course. I walked across the house to my parent’s room and stopped at door. The door was open slightly as it usually was. I listened for a comment to make sure they were sleep. Satisfied with not hearing anything, I turned and walked down the hall, through the house and to the back door and flicked on the switch would turn on the patio lights. Quietly and slowly I turned the lock before doing the same for the doorknob. Moving slowly so I would make as little sound as possible. Then, I quietly pulled the door open. Next, I pushed the latch down and pushed on the storm door to open it as well.

Calmly, I stepped out into the night onto the patio in just night shirt and shorts with my bare feet. The warm night air rapped around and embraced me like a welcoming blanket happy to greet me once more. The night air felt so good and refreshing in my lungs that it almost felt like I hadn’t really breathed in for a very long time. I suddenly felt like my body no longer felt so bent-out-of-shape. It was like the night was drawing out and erasing all the stress and worry that had built-up in my system over the pass few days. My body relaxed and my muscles didn’t feel so tight. It all disappeared like a big, much needed sigh.

The light from the patio loosely lit up much of the backyard at least faintly if not more. Plus turning on the patio lights also flipped the garden lights which stood in the gardens around the back of house. They all provided plenty of light to see by as far as I was concerned no matter where I was in the backyard.

I walked forward and then stepped out into the cool, damp grass and earth beneath my feet. The backyard was kept well by my mother and the off and on rains for a two weeks a week before had greened up what the summer had nearly killed. The feeling of the grass and dirt on my toes felt great. For now there was no more shoes, no more carpet, no hard floor, no concrete- just earth and plants. So, I stepped out into the back yard to get a better view around me.

The smells of the still night filled my nose. The smell of lush grass, of the moisture in the air, the trees, the earth beneath me- everything around me that the human nose could just pick-up. Plus, the sounds of the night filled my ears - the sound of crickets chirping and other insects, of the light breeze, of leaves softly moving, and such plus the occasional sound of a car far off in the distance. I felt the ever steady earth below me, the calm air floating around me, the damp grass as well.

I felt the same certain feeling as before began to well up in my chest. I looked around for a moment, not that I would see anything. Everyone was asleep and the houses near ours were not super close. I thought as long as I wasn’t too loud about… So I let it do, a simple howl. Not as good as my kind could do or what I could do if I had the right skin, but I was good for having human vocal cords I guess. It felt so good to howl, even if I had to keep it down a notch. It felt good to be able to howl, even if no one would answer like I would want them too.

It was at this point, as I stood there I felt my mind begin to relax. That a kind of tension and stress in my mind was ebbing and easing away. That my brain began to become numb inside as any worded inner dialogue in my mind shut down. Slowly from the outside and top of my mind downward and inward gently, and smoothly went into a numb rest while for a few brief moments a faint echo of static filled the numbing part of my mind. When my whole mind was numb the faint static completely ebbed away as my head began to feel abnormal heavy and weighted out. My worded thoughts became silent and were replaced with a silent knowing as something from deep depths of my mind came flowing into my consciousness and took-up every part of my mind. A wild presence, I guess I could say.

My human way of thinking know seemed to sleep, allowing my wolf way of thinking to awaken and roam the confines of my consciousness. My mind filled with canid instincts and mannerisms many times stronger then what was normal and everyday for me. I became more silently aware of my surroundings. I felt even more self aware of my body and it’s movements. I hadn’t expected to have such a deep and strong mental shift but at that point in time wondering about it was beyond me.

I sat down in in grass on my lower legs with my feet pointing backward and away me and my arms now acting  like forelegs as they set out in front of me as I sat there. I sat the way I did without any forethought or positioning; I had just sat down. My mind did what it could with the limits of my body.

My senses had also seemingly changed.  My sense of smell and hearing seemed stronger then they normal because I was really paying attention to every little sound rather then ignoring much of it. I could hear the faint breeze, the slight tremble of the grass, and other faint sounds normally over looked. I smelled the trees form nearby, the smell of grass, and of more familiar smells that I usually didn’t pay as much attention too.

Along with my now very different perceptions of the world around me and my senses I also felt new sensations as well. On my head I felt the spectral sensations of wolfish phantom ears, at the base of my spine I felt a the ghostly sensation of a lupine bushy tail, on my face and I felt a phantom wolfish muzzle. They felt like they were real to me, but they couldn’t be seen. Course, not the fact they couldn’t be seen crossed my mind given my altered state of consciousness. I could move them and feel them against my real human body. My phantom tail lay draped across the ground at rest as I sat, while my phantom ears twitched and moved slightly with my emotions. From my phantom tail I could feel the damp and cool grass around me. Through my wolf ears I could feel the light breeze wave across them and feel my human hair against them. I could feel the nostrils of my phantom muzzle expanding and relaxing slightly as if actually taking in air as I breathed in. I could feel my phantom muzzle’s lips twitching and curling slightly as my expression changed slightly from my emotions and thoughts. They might as well as actually been there as far as what they felt to me.

I didn’t contemplate or think about my new state of mind at all. I simply accepted it all as it was for that was in my lupine mind’s nature right then. My nature. To take things as they were, except them, and move on to other things. My mind still thought but the dialogue in my head when I was of a human state of mind was gone. No silent words spoke out my thoughts, no words at all. My emotions, memories, and feeling were the only thing silently racing and bouncing around my head. They were what I thought with now. They made-up my thoughts. I comprehended my surroundings with them. That was my nature. The idea of any complex problem solving or philosophical thinking was beyond this state of mind of mine right then.

I sniffed the air intently for a moment, taking in as much of the smells floating gently and freely on the breeze. Scents I hadn’t even realized floating in the air were all clearer to me now. I dipped my head down to the grass and let my nose to the ground to smell what had settled to the earth.

I stood up but not on my human hind legs but on all fours, my hands and feet. This stance seemed more  natural to me. It seemed like even if I had tried to stand up straight I wouldn’t have been able to keep myself up state for long, if at all given how deep my mental state was then. My new state of mind couldn’t of kept me standing up even if my still very human body could still easily achieve the stance. My mind, trying to think like a wolf would didn’t know that at that time.   

In this state I found myself walking with ease and self-confidence about the yard at that point. I walked with the heels of my feet off the ground and with most of the palms of my hand off the ground as I moved. It seemed natural to me. It was natural to me at that point, at least far more then standing upright let alone walking on my back legs. So I wandered about the backyard freely and at my own whim and leaser without another thought.

My phantom wolf ears twitched forward and my phantom nose at the end of my muzzle twitched with interest. I heard a gentle rustling coming from the other side of the fence. My phantom tail popped up as  I sniffed the air and padded over closer. I stuck my head down to where the privacy fence met the ground but was shy of it by several inches. I leaned down close to it to smell, hear, and see better to see what was about. As I, in curiosity, move closer. I just barely caught sight of a small shape burst out of the bushes and as an annoyed meow called out. It was one of the neighbors out-door cats who was skittish people as a rule. In response I gave a quiet huffing woof and my tail wagged slightly.

After a moment or two went it became clear that the cat had wandered off, my phantom ears and tail relaxed down. So with that I stood back up from almost laying on my stomach and started to talk most of the length of the side of the fence for no real reason. The rest of the fence was much more flush with the ground and so I could not see anything along the ground. 

A sudden whirring sound starting up made my head reactively in the direction of the sound even though I knew it was only the air conditioner unit turning on. My wag gave a short wag as my ears twitched once on my head. Even in the mental state I was in then I knew the sound was ignorable though in his state I couldn’t quite grasp nor actually care to think about way. It did and I didn’t have to worry about. Such was the mentally I was in right then.

I was still me and I still had all the memories that I was did, but some parts of my mind acted like they were shut down or not working like they might normally have. I remembered but that did mean I could comprehend or even think about everything that was there.

So I turned away from and kept wandering about the rest of the yard. After walking more into the center of the yard I looked more upward and into the dark outlines of the trees around. I didn’t near any birds or anything and the only reason the leaves stirred from time to time as from the wind only. Not seeing anything of too much interest I moved on from there.

As I moved and wandered about I would often phase for a second or two to listen to something - a far off car driving down a road, a dog barking somewhere off in the distance, or some other small sound that picked my lupine interest. I scented and smelled the grass many times even though my human nose wouldn’t really pick up much of anything, not that my wolf thinking mind really cared too much. I had no concept of the minute by minute time, only time as an ever going agent as I usually did not really deep mental shifts. I’m not sure how long I wandered about or just sat in the grass passively. I just moved freely about the yard.

Finally, sleep finally caught up with me and I grew tired as the energy that wanting to shift ran out on me. I finally started to feel like I could sleep. Without a second thought I wandered back up onto the patio. I looked at the back door and I knew it could open but felt no understanding or will to try and open it. My brain could not comprehend the idea of gripping my fingers around the knob or twist at all at that point. So instead I walked over to the outdoor coach nearby. It was a simple wicker coach with a comfortable cushion and a few pillows. I leapt onto the coach and laid myself down on my side with my head resting on my arms and a pillow and my legs curled up close to me.

Sleep came upon me quickly and in my dreams I ran as a wolf through never-ending forest. I slept soundly and didn’t wake until the sky had just barely started to grow slightly lighter. My mind was back to its normal human state once more as sleep had reset my mind to its ‘natural’ state. I remembered all of last nights events though they were slightly hazy in places like any other memory.

  I quickly went inside and locked the door back behind me. I went strait into my bedroom to grab a change of cloths and then into the bathroom to take a good bath, making sire to really scrub my arms and legs. While finishing up in the bathroom I head the weekend alarm going off telling my parents it was the time they liked to/needed to get up.

July 2014

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