Acceptance

Dec. 31st, 2012 07:21 am
houseofchimeras: (Default)
Description: While trying to piece together what their kintype is, something unexpected comes to light
Date First Written : November 2012


Hello all! I am Bigfeet.

I am a… actually I’m not exactly sure what I am actually right now still. I know roughly my shape and such but I’ve been having a hard time figuring out exactly what I am by name. I’m currently guessing maybe kangaroo, or maybe wallaby sense I feel that I am ‘big’ in this human body compared to how I… was/should be? Sorry, I’ve known about being what I am sense I was like 9 or 10 but only discovered the otherkin community a month or so ago so I’m still trying to orient myself to the fact I’m not alone. I thought that sense I feel like my theriotype is an animal of some kind I would first start out on a therianthropy specific forum so that is why I am here. I thought maybe I might get some ideas on how to better what my species is exactly.

So yeah, I’m fairly sure it kind of has something of a wallaby-like; however I’m fairly sure my species isn’t that ’big’ in the back legs. I have a shorter face too I think. Plus the tail is completely different, but I’ll get to that in detail in a minute. I’m not sure though sense its kind of hard to explain some of the details into words.

So my shifting experiences are a part of my life. I tend to have a lot of phantom and dream shifts. I tend to have at least one dream shift every other night or so in some way, especially sense I’ve started getting better at remembering my dreams when I wake up. So I am guessing I’ve always had a lot of dream shifts but just never remembered them until recently or maybe finding the otherkin community has really started making them go. In my dreams I am usually wandering around in a sparse forest or grassy plain. I’m moving on all four legs usually but I can stand-up and look around or even move forward on two legs too. For phantom shifts I have mostly my phantom tail. I have a really long and almost whip-like phantom tail, which makes me second-guess something like being a wallaby sense their tails are so much more stiff then my phantom tail as it just so easily bends and curves all over the place. (So that is why I am wondering if its another animal with a similar body shape.) My tail being super flexible actually makes it a bit easier on me though because it is so long that my phantom tail actually is something like four or so feet long. Normally it naturally sits up off the ground though in some curved placement or another. Another thing about my phantom tail is their something about the tip, but I’m not sure how to put into words what that is all about. I also have a few other phantom shifts like - phantom little ears on my head, phantom paws, and phantom - well - big feet. Those don’t happen a whole lot though, and its mostly just my long tail. Outside of that, I also get the usual mental shift from time to time - wanting to make sounds instead of words to express my feelings and such. 

But anyway, I am 21 and I’m currently going to college (my second semester) getting a degree in Business and I work part-time in retail. I’d prefer not to give where I live for right now if that’s alright. This is the first online account I’ve ever made minus my Facebook account and so I’m a bit paranoid there.

My hobbies and interests are many. As I mentioned, I tend to remember my dreams generally well. Because of that and because I have so many shifts in my dreams I’ve taken up a big interest in dream recall techniques plus even ways to lucid dream. I’m hoping that maybe I’ll come up with something that might help lead me to exactly what I am. I also love wildlife and animals -surprise, surprise around here I’m sure…-  and I do love camping and exploring outdoors. I don’t tend to watch a lot of television either and tend to spend a lot of time writing little things like stories or poems but I’m not the greatest there.  

I look forward to meeting everyone and I am hoping finding out my theriotype sooner or later!

Sarah read over her introduction post that she had made earlier that morning again as she checked the thread for new replies. Her thread on the therianthropy forum she had made after joining had quickly gained two replies in the first hour of posting it and how checking it again she had three more to read. She had posted the introduction that morning while still at the house and had checked it before she had left for her classes at the university. Now she was checking it a second time after her first class of the morning, Macroeconomics outside in the hall waiting on her next class, National Government in an hour.

The comments back to her thus far were nice and welcoming. The first reply was merely a “Welcome to the forum.” The second reply by a user by the username of Spot The Wolf who had the image of a large spotted domestic dog for an avatar simply said back:

Hi and welcome to the forum from one of the resident domestic dog therians, of which I am a Dalmatian mix or at least that is the best I have come up with so far. 

If you do end up being a wallaby therian, that would be cool. I don’t think I’ve ever even seen a marsupial therian ever before. Even if you are not one, still you seem pretty interesting. I look forward to seeing you around if you decide to stick around and chat.

Now, the three newest ones were there for her to read. The next two were also simply really warm welcoming comments with one person giving her best wishes to finding out what species she was as well as encouraging her to check out several threads which they felt might be helpful. The last and latest post was longer and the user had a few questions to it. It was from a user by the username of Clop who had the image of a horse for their avatar.

Hello and welcome to the forums. That was a really nice introduction. You look like you are really working hard to figure out yourself think critically about your experiences.

Could you tell me a bit more about your dreams? Like what perceptive you are when you have your dreams? Is there anything at all that you can see of yourself in your dreams? What do you do exactly? Are you hunting or are you grazing? Maybe if you achieve lucidity during one of your dream shifts you could rush over to a body of water and look at yourself.

Best of luck, Bigfeet (love the username by the way)! I look forward to seeing your posts around.  

Sarah read through the post and put her rough thoughts together before opening up a word document to start writing out her response to be cut and pasted once she was done. Sarah started writing down her thought and experiences to reply back to them. 

Thank-you everyone for such welcoming responses! I am sure glad to be here and also hope I find my theriotype sooner or later as well.

To your questions, Clop -

In my dreams shifts I am in first-person perspective only, which is actually a bit annoying sense I can’t see what I look like in my dreams at all which would be a lot of help right now for sure. In a lot of my dreams I am wandering around, walking on all fours and then standing upright from time to time. While standing up I can either be on my toes with my ’heel’ off the round or with all that flat. In my dreams I sometimes also walk on my back legs as well with my heel to the ground, but I am not as fast. Walking either way that way seems really easy to me during my dreams. When upright I can use my paws kind of like hands so I sometimes actually see my paws from time to time at the very least. In some of my dreams I will come to a patch of bushes or small trees with colorful berries or small fruits on them and I’ll use my paws to pick and hold the berries or fruit to eat them. The way I roughly hold things kind of reminds me of an raccoon or otter kind of actually. Plus my paws are kind of shaped a long those lines too. On my paws my fur is black but the rest of my front legs are a different color but I am not exactly sure about them as much. Some kind of reddish brown or almost bronze-like orange color. I am not exactly sure, but its something along those lines.

I only seem to eat fruits, nuts, berries, and such. I’ve never had a dream of hunting anything at all. In one dream, I had a vague dream of being hunted (I think) by something flying up above me because I was rushing through some tall grass watching the sky really anxiously and my heart was pounding like crazy. In that dream it was starting to rain and I remember hearing thunder far off which really stood out in the dream for some reason.

It would be nice to one day start achieving lucidity. On a few occasions I’ve realized I was dreaming but each time so far every time I have only woken-up because of it.

With that she copy & pasted her response into the forum’s reply box and hit post. After tat, Sarah looked around the forum some more and replied to a few small threads on her experiences. One was over if one’s therianthropy effected one’s diet, another talked about experiences with phantom limbs, and another asked if anyone people ever experienced ‘theriandar’ or being able to sense if someone was therian or not.

After that, Sarah headed off the therianthrope forum and decided to see if she could find anything that seemed to fit her species by throwing some keywords into the search of an art hosting website again. She thought that maybe someone had taken a picture of an animal or two or drawn one that might fit what animals she was looking for. She started off by typing out different species of wallaby and searching for them. She looked at the pictures to see any similarity between her and them but always hit a miss. So she put in other words to search through to also more misses then even a slight hit. Finally in a lack-luster waning attempt she typed in several words “ whip-like tail wallaby animal.” The search came up with a few random pictures. She glanced down the page and was about to go back to and exit out when one caught her eye. It was the 16th one down. Sarah clicked on it bring it up.

Sarah looked at the drawing on the screen blankly, and saw something similar in shape. It was only a color drawing of creature with nothing else to the picture and drawn in a slightly realistic and slightly cartoon-like style. There was indeed something almost wallaby-like about it plus a bit of mouse-like and a bit of other animals to it as well. It certainly looked similar to how she felt in her dreams in a lot of ways - the rounded body with the large back legs and somewhat shorter front legs with the rounded face and short muzzle yet with a whip-like tail. It certainly wasn’t a real life animal at all. Thoughts started to roll though Sarah’s mind. It wasn’t an Earth animal then, that she was then? Was this based off a real-life animal and just exaggerated a bit? Maybe she was that, or maybe this is a creature from some mythology making her a non-therian kind of otherkin…? A number of wild questions ran back and forth echoing about her mind as her eyes studied the image for things that made it seem right to her.

She looked down and read the drawings description down bellow the image. The drawing was merely titled “Raichu,” saying:

I am actually really surprised how this turned out. Weird animal anatomy is not usually my thing, but raichu has always had a special favorite of mine. I tried for a slightly more realistic style and it ended taking things from a lot of different animals - wallaby, hare, mouse, kangaroo mouse, and even some otter I think got thrown in there in the end. I do like how raichu’s whip-like tail turned out though even though the tip was hard to figure out for the longest time.

Sarah read through the description again. He eyes scanned over the word “raichu” again for third. Sarah bookmarked the webpage and opened up another tab to go the Google homepage to give it a search. What came up read “Pokémon” and below that several cartoon images of the same critter. The word “Pokémon” brought up a sense of recognition; not from her theriotype but from an old memory. She remembered years ago seeing that show on TV a time or two while her sister had control of the TV. She didn’t remember ever seeing that critter on there though, course that wasn’t saying much sense she never gave it that much attention even though her sister had. The style of cartoon image certainly brought back rough memories of how the art style had been in her sketchy memories.

A jumble of thoughts clashed around in her mind. She ran from idea to idea in her mind trying to work things out. She wondered if she was maybe a therian to the animal that raichu was based on so she quarried that, but she found that the critter was based off the kangaroo rat which did not fit what Sarah experienced at all. This aggravated and confused her. She was about to search up a few more things when she glanced down and saw that it was ten minutes before her next class. So without any other choice she turned off her computer and headed into the classroom still with the same thoughts bouncing around in her head.

For the rest of the hour in her National Government class going back and forth in her thoughts and past experiences. Juggling her experiences and dreams against what she had read and seen before class. She racked her brain trying to make sense of it. A little bit over half way through the class, another memory hit her. Something about otherkin identifying as something fictional, but not being from classical literature or even mythology nor being a real-life animal either. She couldn’t remember the word for that right off the top of her head or where she heard of it right then.

When she got out of that class she had her lunch break before her last class for the day which would be Introduction to Biology. So Sarah went down to the university food court to get something and then find a nice quiet place to hull up in for the hour to eat and search in peace. All the way down and while in line Sarah kept focusing her attention on her long whip-like phantom tail which had a weighted end to it. She flicked the tip around nearer to her so that its tip was near her chest. Like she had done several times before she tried to make as clear of mental image in her mind of what her tail looked like based on how it felt- the long whip like part roughly only a few fingers thick only for it to end in a heavy and thicker part that was very stiff and did not move or curve like the rest of her tail. The tip did feel like a flat jagged tip to her. Sarah thought back to herself if it had indeed always been like that or if her mind was just adding that detail in, but she thought her tail had always been like that.

Sarah found the classroom where she liked to hide out and eat dark as usual. It was a classroom not used by anyone at this hour and so made for a great place to stay in until people started wandering in for the up coming class some ten or so minutes beforehand. Better yet for her, it was right down the hall from where her other class was set to be, but there was a class in that one during her break. With her warm sub sandwich beside her laptop just starting to power up, Sarah went back to searching, not bothering to check the therianthrope forum she had made an introduction on for now. She’s check later if anything.

After not too much searching around she found the word she was looking for - fictionkin. That was right, she hadn’t seen to much mention of them through her looking into otherkin over all. The webpage she came upon first while searching fictionkin simply described fictionkin as being :

Someone who identify as being something fictional, but rather than being found in classical mythology they identify as being either an invited species or even a specific character from modern fiction from things like novels, comics, movies, or TV series.

Sarah found another website that talked about fictionkin and read some more.

Otaku-kin or Ota-kin (also known as mediakin or fictionkin) are the craziest of the crazy in the otherkin community. They are people who think they are fictional characters reincarnated. They are people who become so obsessed with anime they think they are some made-up character.

This description put Sarah off. That wasn’t how she felt at all. Heck, she hadn’t even ever actually watched Pokémon before, let alone anything else. She checked a few more websites which also had information on what fictionkin were, however much of what she saw was not positive at all or even fit what she was herself. Plus she could find almost nothing from actual fictionkin either starting out. 

Sarah decided to take a break check onto the therianthrope forum she had joined. Sarah wondered if she could ask the forum what they thought about her maybe being a raichu therian, scrolling up and down the index page as she thought. Unsure of herself she went to search fictionkin into the search of the forum. She wondered if anyone had any other thoughts on this fictionkin thing that might give her an idea on what she was looking at really. There weren’t many comments about them it seemed as only one thread was about fictionkin came up though it was labeled otakukin instead.

She clicked on the thread and it brought up the whole thread in question. The first post asked the simple questions of what “fictionkin/otakukin” were, if they were really otherkin or not, and if they were not just crazy. The first response post to it was a simple:

 Otakukin (I find it funny their now trying to call themselves ‘fictionkin’ as if that will make them any better) are people who believe they have the soul of an anime character trapped inside of them. They’re just anime fans taking it too far if you ask me.

 The second response wasn’t any better with:

Otakukin? No - just no. If I saw an otakukin running around any otherkin board, I say they should be banned and their Email be given out with everyone being encouraged to go have fun with them.

Sarah kept looking down the page but wasn‘t seeing anything good at all. One person commented to the person who said that otakukin should be openly trolled, stating that they found their comment cruel and unnecessary while two people stated they felt the same as the other person with how they felt any fictionkin should be treated. The next user added:

I think they should certainly be called oatkukin and not fictionkin (or any other silly word they can think of to maybe make themselves look better). Why?

Because within Japanese culture, an "otaku" is a person with a damaging obsession with something that interferes with everyday life.

So calling them out as otakukin is pretty much saying their "I-Have-A-Problem-And-An-Obsession-That-Is-Self-Destructive"-Kin.

The next person quoted the former only to add:

That's just awesome. So all they really are just overly obsessed anime fantards. Least the nutcases are being honest and being called out on it.

Another poster stated:

Otaku-kin?

You. Have. Got. To. Be. Kidding.

They weren't these various characters, as their only the creation of someone's imagination.

I love anime. I think Cowboy Bebop is one of the best series ever. But I can’t delude myself into thinking it’s a historical account of actual events.

So in effect, I think it's a load of bull. I think they just want attention. Plain and simple.

The next stated:

Honestly, I think there are very few things more arrogant and selfish than to take someone's imagination and hard work, and turn their creation into something completely different. Its wrong.

Speaking as a writer, my creations are basically my babies. Further a lot of my main characters often in up having some characteristics of me or ideals I wish to work toward in me them too. To think that some lowlife might take my hard work and urinate all over it by abusing it for the purpose of backing up their identification with a character  - really sickens me.

Sarah’s heart sake a bit more again as she read that comment. It wasn’t like it was her choice, was it? She had just happened to identify as a raichu or something pretty much like one. She hadn’t even known or at least remembered they existed until. Was she really being selfish by admitting that her experiences matched or at least were pretty close to a fictional creature? Was she playing mind games with herself? Sarah started to feel sick. Terrible. She felt conflicted as she shut her eyes and wished she could will everything about her experiences away - no more phantom limbs, or dreams, or mental shifts. She didn’t want to be an otherkin. She didn’t want to be a raichu fictionkin even more so.

At that point Sarah caught herself back. She blankly wondered to herself if she was actually and honestly considering her theriotype was a raichu? A Pokémon? That she wasn’t a therianthrope but a fictionkin? Her experiences still felt the same for when she considered herself a therian, and she still felt like an animal but she wasn’t?  She stopped and wondered if she was just working herself up and jumping to conclusions. She needed to clam down and take a step back. She needed to be as objective as possible.

She looked back onto the screen of her laptop and was about to scroll back up to the top of the thread to go back when two posts caught her attention. They were two of the last few posts catch on the thread. One said:

I don't really see that much of a difference between someone who identifies as something physically real vs. someone who identifies as something mythological vs. someone who identifies as something fictional. From just a psychological standpoint alone it doesn’t really matter - an identity is an identity. If that is how someone really feels and honestly experiences things then really the shape doesn’t matter as far as the brain cares.

When it comes to spiritual matters, well, let’s face it depending on who you talk to and what their beliefs are all of us could be discounted by somebody. Some people believe that animals have souls and some don’t (or believe only certain animals have them). Some people do believe in others or realms where dragons, unicorns and all that could be and some people don’t. Some people believe in infinite universes or that once a number of people think or believe in an idea entities can slowly be created from it, and obviously a number of people don’t.

So we could debate cause to death really, but at the end of the day if the experiences are honestly there, then they are there.   

Sarah perked up a bit and her phantom tail raised back up from near the ground. She hadn’t noticed how much the tip of her tail had lowered to the ground. She thought that poster, by the username of Charcoal Feathers with an avatar depicting a drawing of a crow, had made a fair lot of sense. Causation of her identity had never really occurred to Sarah at all but the idea of striking off any identity as being possible just because people had different beliefs in how being otherkin is caused did seem weird. Another poster by the username of Jaguarmancy who posted after Charcoal Feathers added to their post say:

What, Charcoal Feathers said. I mean, identifying with something from modern fiction is pretty weird, but let’s fact it we’re all a bit weird. I'd be inclined to hear what they had to say. If they are trying to be honest and being reasonable with their conclusion - sure why not. I like to think I am the mind of person that would listen first and make personal judgments afterward rather then just jump to judgment.

Instead of going back up to the page like she had planned she blindly just exited her web browser completely and sat back to give out the sigh. Her mind going every which way without any clear idea on what to do or what to think right then or there. Sarah decided she needed to take a break from looking at any of this to just let everything soak in. She heard a sound and turned to see the classroom door open and four people come walking in, one hitting the lights. She looked up at the clock to find it was just after ten minutes till next class. She shut down her laptop and hurried out the door and down the hall, feeling emotionally drained already from the day. As she headed into the large lecture room and found her preferred seat she decided to drop any research on any of that for the day if not a few days to gather herself and her thoughts before trying to look at her own experiences and compare them with anything.

*         *        *

Sarah woke suddenly from a dream of wandering though a forest again. She rolled over to find that she had sleep in a little for an average Saturday morning. It had been over a month sense last. Sarah had been posting on the forum fairly regularly about her experiences as well as learning more and more about therianthrope and even otherkin over all at large. She had not, however, been talking about what she had been suspecting as her theriotype at all over any of her stay there while discussing things. After laying in bed for a little while, but unable to sleep, she made up her mind.

Sarah sat up and went over to her laptop o her desk and turned it on. She went to her documents folder and found a word document titled “explanation” and opened it revealing two full pages worth of writing. She’d worked on it all last week and she was finally ready to post it and hope for the best. She logged into the therian forum under her username “Bigfeet” and went to the section for discussing therianthropy and hit the button for “New Thread.” She copy and pasted its contents into the respective places and hit post. After a second of pause, her new thread appeared and front of her. Once again, she began to read over what she had worked on:

Okay. I’ve been thinking about making this thread for several weeks now, and before that spent a good month debating if I was mistaken or just going crazy. I think I’ve found my theriotype (I‘m mostly sure at this point that its what I am identity wise), but its not what I thought it was starting out. Its kind of a long story and to be honest I’m not sure if it will make as much sense to you as it does to me. I hope you’ll give me a chance to explain everything as best to my ability.

It all started the day I first made my introductory post. For that might not remember, I talked about how I still wasn’t sure what my theriotype was exactly but I knew kind of what it looked like and how it acted. But I kept looking and I found something I wasn‘t excepting and something that took a while to get my head around. I found… … … … … …
houseofchimeras: (Default)
Description: A crow therian is stuck in a car during a trip and dreams of stretching his wings.


This day was making me wonder about the real possibly of a living hell. I was also beginning to realize what is must be like for an animal to have to spend its days in a small cage. Everything was closed in and there was not even room to really turn around nor to stretch. I was stuck in a car going down the interstate with the rest of my family for the next ten more hours whether I liked it or not. And while I had never really ever considered a car to be like a cage before, this mind numbing long drive was beginning to change my mind.

I stared out my window to see the many trees and greenery wiz past in a light slow motion blur. I was thankful that at least the view for most of this trip was going to be nice. It was just trees, open fields, and sometimes a few crop fields in just about every direction. We rarely came within sight of any kind of city or town. It was kind of nice that way, though a little dull and boring after a while.

I couldn’t say the same for everything inside the car though. I sat in the back of the car with my brother on the other side of me while my parents sat in the front. They had the radio tuned onto a station for their kind of music, and while I had nothing against the music, I couldn’t take listening to it for the whole trip. So instead, I listened to my MP3 player mostly, drowning out their music with the sound of my own.

I shifted my weight one way and then another. I then attempted to stretch my legs as best I could in my cramped little space. I even tried to stretch my arms forward and then backward as far as the confines of the car would allow to little success. I glanced over to see my brother asleep - his face against the window of his side of the car. Seeing that the coast was clear I then stretched my arms outward even going as far in my desperation as to lean toward the center of the car so that my other arm could also get a little bit more of a stretch.  

“You having trouble back there?” Asked my mom from the driver’s seat, her eyes still focused on the road in front of her.

“Ya, this whole drive down there is my problem.”

“Well you’re just going to have to survive until we reach our next rest stop where will take a break and get dinner. Then it will be just another hour after that.”

“When’s that?” My mother didn’t answer for a moment as we came up and then passed a few highway signs. “About another three hours.”

In defeat I relaxed back into my seat with an aggravated sigh.  Even though I was glad to be on vacation and to be going to see family I hadn’t seen in years the drive was driving me crazy. Flying would have been better… but then again, flying on my own power would have topped both. But I would just have to suffer for a while longer until our next stretch break to get out and stretch my legs as well as phantom wings.

In my mind’s eye I could easily imagine myself the way I saw me sitting in the back seat of a car going fast down the highway. Instead of seeing my physical body I saw a common crow standing there. Just your average common crow. Nothing special there.

It was my phantom wings which were really giving me problems now, but I’d rather not bring that conversation up. I could see it now, “Hey, Mom, Dad, just so you know I’m a crow. Ya, I don’t mean physically, but I am one regardless. I’ve always been one and I’ve known since I was really little. You see there’s this term called therianthropy and…” I couldn’t see anything good coming out of that discussion.

My brother was cool though. I’d told him some time ago and he had been okay with it from the start. He even bought me a really cool poster he’d found with crows all over it. Well actually, they were in reality ravens, but it was the thought that counts. It was still an awesome poster none the less. Though, of course, he sometimes used puns and phrases like “bird-brained’ and such on me from time to time, but even before I’d told him we would always be calling each other silly names. At least with those I could take them as an ironic complement on being bird brained indeed!

 Either way though this car trip was getting on my nerves. I couldn’t really move much and I was bored out of my mind. It was nothing but long concrete and assault which cut between pasture and farmland along with the occasional forest along the way. The route we were taking was going to avoid a lot of cities and towns. The most exciting thing I had seen all day had been when we passed an open field with a small herd of deer grazing. At the moment though, there was nothing but road and forest. I was just happy of all routes we could of taken, this one was the shortest in the overall trip.  

Along my arms I felt my wings enlarged to match my human body. Extending from arms was the sensation of dense and complex layer of contour feather and flight feathers. My phantom wings continuing off my fingertips some length away. They were dense. I could feel the volume and relatively light weight of them on my arms. A bird ebullient of an elbow and wrist basically matching up with my physical ones. All of it roughly ended around my shoulders were the feeling just faded away.

Usually they didn’t bother me, but being stuck in the confines of a car was not only making my physical body stiff but also my wings too. And I didn’t like it one bit. The times that they did ache a lot like if they started bothering me during a long college lecture a good stretch and slight ‘flap’ would usually remedy things quickly, however in a car that was physically impossible really.

At a loss, I leaned against the car and hoped that I might sooner or later fall asleep so I could get away from it all for a while. My eyes wandered to gaze outside the car watching the green blur again. Staring out across the landscape made my mind begin to wander itself. At first I thought of everyday things and concerns - some how managing to continue to pay for next few years (or more) of college to get my Bachelor’s degree in medicine in hopes of becoming an RN plus continue to try and save up so I could own my own place, even if it was just an apparent first off. Then my mind began to move elsewhere - I remembered the talk of a possible get-together or ‘howl’ on the therianthrope forum that I frequent. A gathering that might take place just a few hours drive from home, and I hoped it came to actually pass because I wanted that kind of a vacation for a few days. Going camping with a couple of other therians in my rough area seemed really nice especially if a few people from last time also were able to go. After a while, my mind began to slip into daydreams.

At first, it was the mental image of a crow flying just above the braches of tresses. Eyeing the ground for any hint of something interesting, possibly tasty, or possible danger. The sky was a clear blue outside a few dreamy wisps here and there. The crow’s wings were wide spread, flapping every so often when the winds weakened.

It was just a crow. Just a common regular crow, but that mental image of a crow was me. They say some of the simplest things can make you happy and I have to agree because just imaging and thinking about being a crow and flying was what often made me happy. If ever I was feeling a little off or down, often just thinking about actually being a crow rather then just the having the identity of one would usually cheer me up. It made me think of what such a shame that physical shifting was actually impossible and only found in fiction because what dream life of being able to go back and forth it could possibly bring.

So I just let my mind daydream on like that - flying this way and that. Nothing overly fantastic or action packed, just a crow doing stereotypical  and everyday birdie things. Nothing riveting by far but it didn’t have to be for me. I let myself drift away, hoping I would drift into dreamland, however I was fully awake. I was disconnected to the outside world but my mind was still going. I could still sense and see the outside world but my little daydream held more precedence. The outside world didn’t matter just then. The trip was long and I had little else to do to pass the time.

I was flying then. The ground was whizzing by, not around me, but below me. The clear sky above me and the wind of my flight brushed hard against me. With a single wing beat I could feel the thrust of my powerful flight muscles on my chest as wings forced down on the air and wind. I could see far and wide, endless expanse all around me.

I didn’t know what kind of hallucination or so called out-of-body experience this was but I didn’t care in the end for what it truly was. I just relished in the feeling of it while it lasted however long it might. I didn’t care if it was a dream or not. I just enjoyed what I felt and saw. I enjoyed feeling like a wild crow.       

I couldn’t feel my body anymore. It wasn’t anything like a simple daydream, and if I was actually dreaming instead I couldn’t have changed anything of the dream if I ever had some bizarre reason drive to. I could fly where I wanted, but I couldn’t just change anything else. I saw through a crow’s eyes  and not a third person perspective watching myself. All I felt was the shape of my crow body. The wing’s opened wide, the hard beak, my body covered in countless feathers, and everything else.    

All I could be was a crow flying. I dipped my wings a little to drift down closer to the tree tops. Closer to the tree tops I lost the wind’s lift and I began to have to pump my wings to keep from falling out of the sky. Just below me the trees fell away into open land -crop fields. A strong gust of wing ran over me and I took the opportunity to gain altitude. I wanted to go higher, and so I  did. Slowly and gently I began to clime up into the sky.  
 
The ground below me lost out and everything began to seem to grow smaller as the distance increased. The horizon became fully visible to me as the sky took over the land around my sphere of perception. A whole new world of movement had opened up to me. My world had depth and dimension now instead of simply being stuck along and near the ground. My movements were free and only limited by the power of my wings.

I could fly. I could finally do what I had always felt right, even if it was just an abnormally detailed and vivid dream. That didn’t matter. I could fly wherever I wanted to. I was free. That mattered to me. My wings tilled one way and my direction changed. I changed my wings another way and began to fly lower toward the ground…

“Hey?! Hey!” I bolted awake in an instant, sitting up straight in a daze with the side of my face stingily slightly were it had met window glass from which it had just been pealed away from. My brother gave my shoulder another nudge with his hand. “Hey, you wantta stretch you legs or what?” I looked around in a flash to find we were parked at a gas station. My parents were already out of the car filling up the tank and my bother’s car door was already open. Rubbing the side of my face that had been pressed up against the car and giving a light yawn I unbuckled my seatbelt, opened the door, and stepped out of the car in a daze.

I stepped a few feet from the car and stretched my arms and my phantom wings for a nice and long moment. I was then that I really started to look around and started to get my bearings from being jolted awakened that I happened to look up in the sky and noticed the sun was still somewhat low in the sky. I felt a sign of unease and loathing creep back over me, realizing the I hadn’t been asleep that long at all. At a loss I began to walk over to the gas station door to see if I could find something to snack on.

“Don’t get anything to eat! After this we’re headed up the road to go get some dinner!” I heard my mom over my shoulder yell. I stopped and turned around to look back toward the car.
“What do you mean? What time is it?”

“Its nearly six o’clock.” I let the time sink in but I couldn’t quite grasp what that meant in space of the trip outside the fact I had been asleep for hours. I asked about how much longer till we got to our distention.

“About an hour.” Said my father and at that I was relaxed. Thinking back whatever amount of crazy I had experienced during the trip had made time fly by in perhaps the best way possible. It left me hoping that it marked things to come over the rest of the trip.
houseofchimeras: (Default)
Description: A gray therian has a full body phantom shift while at school.
Date First Written : January 2008

My psychology teacher talked, giving his lecture on human behavior. At times he quoted the class psychology book, while at other times he spoke from his own memory of the subject of the day. The whole class was relatively quite. No one really spoke apart from the teacher. The only common sounds in the classroom were faint ones just audible though very quite. The quiet sound of pencils scraping against paper as people -myself included- wrote down notes on what was being said by the teacher; the quite moan and groan from old wooded and metal desks creaking as people shifted in their seats; of the sound of the rubber bottoms of shoes sliding lazily against the concrete floor; and other random everyday sounds of a high school classroom.

I sat at my desk near the back in one of the outside rows, quietly listening as usual. I found psychology really pretty festinating actually and the teacher we had was actually pretty good. I loved to the hear the theories and brake-down of behavior and mind-set plus the concepts that explained how the brain worked and why and how we dreamed. A lot of things about psychology I liked. It often made me wonder in amusement and interest what some of the psychologists we read about would think of part of my identification let alone other people like me. Course, from what I had heard, a few small studies had occurred on very small scales but nothing that big from what I had heard anywhere in my few years around the communities related to my identification.

This part of my identity was much more then just a belief or perception for me. It was fact of my life, which I lived with every day and every moment no matter what, for better and for worse. Something that was as much a part of me as much as I could possibly imagine. This was such a strong part of my identity and my daily experiences that in some ways it was as much a of me as anything physical about me. It was very deeply embedded and nestled within my very heart and soul as far as I was concerned even at this point in my life after feeling this way sense I was a child. This part of my identity was the fact that - though I was fully and complete human physically - my heart, mind, and even what I thought of as my soul told me without dough that my inner self was that of a wolf.  I didn’t know how or why I was the way I was. Whether it was because it was from reincarnation and that I had been a gray wolf in a past life, or whether it was because I had somehow strongly imprinted in some way with wolves and other canines at a very young age, or whether it was because I some kind of naturally occurring brain abnormality; or some other cause all together I didn‘t know. I didn’t really care actually, because I was myself regardless if I ever knew that fact or not.

I shifted my weight so all my weight was focused more on one side of my hip. I did not like sitting in these desks at times like that. It was times like this that the desks was uncomfortable then. Not that they were any more or less comfortable any other time, but simply more uncomfortable at this point. I had a nagging pitched or pulled pain that was almost like the pain one gets when one’s arm is being pulled back onto one’s own back. I shifted my weight around again, trying to find a better position that might provide me with some kind of relief from my discomfort.

What was accruing was my tail, phantom though it was, had become very solid in how I was feeling it much more so than usual when I had a phantom tail. My ghost of a tail had been a near constant silent companion to me along with my phantom ears for quite a while now anymore, but at this time the feelings had been increased up. Other phantoms that I experienced like a muzzle or fur came and went for hours to days, but my spectral wolf ears and tail always stayed. They were a fact of my every day life. Sometimes they were weak and very ghost-like with being more detached in there reality to me, while at other times my phantom limbs were so solid in feel that if I didn’t know better I might feel the urge to double check to make sure that they were not actually really there somehow.

Today was one of those days when my phantom tail had became even more intense than usual and felt very solid to me. Even though I knew very well my phantom limbs were all in my mind it never made the discomfort of sitting in a hard desk with a tail sticking out of one’s tailbone and getting cramped up against me any easier at all.    

I set my pencil down on my paper for a moment as I shifted my weight even more off to the side, before finally finding the relief I had been seeking for my phantom tail. My tail lay curled around beside me in my seat on my left side. Three or four years of experience had taught me that not only was this method more comfortable it was also safer. The reason being that line of thinking was that: not only could my phantom limbs feel very ghostly or solid, they could also react like they were ghostly or solid. When my phantoms reacted ghostly they would pass through anything like a ghost and there would be no real sensation on my part apart from the presence of the limb itself. When my phantom felt very solid to me they would act like they were really there and they would not pass through solid objects. Instead could feel the confinement and such as thought it was actually there. The cause of my safely measure had come about after a classmate who had sat behind me in Spanish class a few years ago had kicked the back of my chair and had hit my tail dead-on. The pain that had shot up my spine was similar to that of someone had actually kicked me. After that I had taken care to protect my phantom limbs as much as I did any of my real limbs. 

Once our teacher started on information I felt I wanted to write down again, I quickly picked up my pencil and begun to take notes once more. My ears twitched and turned, without forethought from me, with my every thought and emotion. They would perk-up more, then slant backward, then return to normal, then move ever so slightly this way or that. That was how it always was though I hardly noticed my ears movement at any time unless I was actively noting it because it was so second nature.

My tail mostly lay motionless beside me apart from the occasional slow, slight wag of the tip of my tail for one reason or another at times. Usually, like my ears, my phantoms acted without my willful thought making them move less I really needed them to move. My ears and tail moved like any other body part – without any effect on my conscious mind for it was all a natural motion. By the way my phantoms reacted to things around me and how I reacted to them they might as well been physically real. They were real enough to me, real enough not to be imaging them. My phantom limbs were real enough even though they were not physically there.

The boy beside me raised his hand to ask a question. The teacher quickly stopped to call on him and answer him. My phantom ears came forward with sudden acute interest as the teacher’s answer spawned my own question. I consciously made my tail wag once, for my own amusement. The teacher quickly answered my question and went back to this lecture. My curiosity satisfied, my ears relaxed back to there normal position.

At that time my psychology teacher called that that was enough for the day and retired to his desk. I glanced at the wall clock to see that we only had about two minutes left. I placed my papers back in my large binder and put my pencil into the pouch which was snapped into my binder. I got my things set up to rush out the door as soon as the bell rang due to the fact that I had to make it across the campus to get to my next class which would be Chemistry.

With everything ready to go I relaxed back into my seat, waiting for the bell to ring. As I sat I let my mind wander in random thought. I thought about my English assignment that was due after lunch. I wondered if the weather was going to be nice after school in hopes of being able to go to the park for a while or if there was any possibility of going camping this fall. At the thought of camping it brought back a passing thought that caused my phantom ears twitched and folded back slightly in response. I was part of the therian community online and I had been sense I was fifteen. Now that I had my own car and I was a senior in high school my parents were a lot easier on me. There were a few people that lived in my rough area that I had been talking to off and on for a while. One of those therians that lived in a city just an hour away from me, a cougar who was a few years older then me and was already in their second year of college, was pretty cool. He and I had already had a number of mini-hangouts already over the year, and we actually had a fair lot in common besides just being therians. Us and a few others had been playing the idea of having a gather, or “howl,” in the next few months. The idea of seeing Purring Joe (his username and his real name was Joe), the cougar therian again plus the idea of seeing other therians while going camping made my phantom tail wag. That would be fun for sure.

As I sat there waiting up till that last few seconds of class I then randomly had an image come to mind. The image of how I see myself as a gray wolf - a regular mixed gray and some pale tan coat. The first mental image was myself as a gray wolf with a pack in a snowy open plain, but the second mental image was of myself as a gray wolf sitting as I was right then and there. Of a gray wolf having to sit down in the seat that I was sitting in. Hindquarters sitting in the seat with tail slightly draped around the side with front paws laying up along the desk.

My mind locked on the ‘feel’ of my theriotype being in the place of my physical human body. It was now around me in my senses and feelings. I felt the numb and disembodied presence of a phantom sensation come around me, but it was not just ears, tail, or muzzle; it was everything else as well. My full wolf body was my phantom sensation. My whole physical human body was shadowed by a phantom wolf body.

I slowly glanced about the room calmly, feeling my phantom wolf head turn along with my physical human head in the same space as my physical body. My phantom wolf body sat on its – my? – haunches in my seat. My right arm lay in my lap and my left one lay on the desk beside my book and folder. Similarly, my phantom wolf body appeared to be trying to mimic and match my physical body as best I could. My right foreleg set upright on the seat of the desk supporting my weight while my left foreleg lay on my desk table. My phantom body was trying to do what my physical body was doing to the best of what my brain thought wolf anatomy would allow.

I felt my muzzle in front of my face and the fur that covered my phantom body. I still felt my tail curled beside me and my ears on my head but now they were a part of a full body. I did not just have phantom limbs now; I now had a phantom body. A phantom apparition that was me sitting in the same space as my physical body. My phantom wolf body was sitting fully like a wolf in a school desk that was uncomfortable for a human body any day of the year and even more so for a wolf.

Despite that, I liked it. I liked the feel of my phantom wolf body being there over me. I had had full wolf body phantoms before, though very rarely. Though having a phantom wolf body was always a bit odd and even awkward at times.

With acute questioning interest I lifted my arm off the table slightly only to feel my front leg mimic it. My phantom ears twitched forward and the corners of my phantom muzzle’s lips slightly to brake-out into a wolf-like grin. I laid my arm down then and set my other arm on the desk beside it, my phantom limbs acting accordingly. I was so easily amused at times indeed.

At that moment, the bell let out its sudden shrill ring at that moment signaling the end of the hour causing my ears to perk-up in attention. There was a rush of sound: books closing, shoes pushing against the floor, books sliding off the desks, people beginning to talk to one another, and so on as the all headed for the door.

Automatically I physically stood up from my desk, my folder and math book held propped up at my chest. However my phantom body landed on all fours to the ground in my place. I felt my wolf body standing straight where I was along with feeling my physical body. I felt all four paws against cold, hard, smooth concrete besides just the feel of my real two feet surrounded by the warm confinement of my own shoes and the pressure of gravity against the soles of my feet.

Without missing a beat I began to walk for the door. To anyone else I was just a normal teenage guy, as they didn’t know the feelings that I felt daily and certainly didn’t know of the sensations I felt now right now walking both as a human and a wolf out with them out of the classroom. They did not know of this feeling of a ghost-like wolf body walking within my step nor the feeling my every day phantom tail sticking out of my butt and the phantom ears on top of my head otherwise either. Life really was weird that way.

My phantom wolf head was not with my own head but down low to the ground in a natural position for a gray wolf. I felt my wolf muzzle open slightly in light pant as all six of my legs – two real, four phantom – walked out the door and into the hallway of the school. I felt the motion of my phantom wolf legs walking with perfect pace with my body but in a different sync. I had lost my regular phantom tail that felt like it came out of my tailbone and now only had the phantom tail that was attached to my phantom wolf body. Said tail now wagged slightly as I walked down the halls to my next class. I was enjoying this feeling indeed.

I could feel people pass me, not just with my physical body but with my phantom body as well. I could feel their presence as much with my wolf body as I could with my human one. When people brushed up against my shoulder or arm as we all tried to hurried to our next class in the packed hallway, I could even feel there legs bush up against my wolf body. Their real bodies rumbling against that thick wolf fur along my phantom body. As I walked briskly down the hall avoiding groups of people standing still or walking too slowly for my pace I felt my wolf body do the same.

As I moved I felt my dull claws at the tip of my wolf body’s paws gently tap and scrape against the marble surface of the school floor. I even slightly felt the slight bounce and shift of my body fur as I quickly walked. My wolf head turned with my physical one as I kept looking around for the best way to get through as the people around me did the same.

In my own mind it felt like my brain was working double time. Processing the movements of my physical body as well as processing the movements of my phantom body. Feelings and sensations from both  having to be worked out. It felt like my balance was all over the place, even though more than likely to the outside world my balance seemed fine and normal. I even falsely ‘saw’ what it would be like if my real eyes were where the eyes of my phantom wolf body were right then. Looking about with being almost level with people’s thighs. I felt a bit awkward to me, but the rest of the experience I was enjoying to much to care about that.

As I turned a corner and headed straight for the door into my Chemistry classroom, my wolf self padding along with me as it had after sitting up at the end of my last class. I walked into the classroom and made my way quickly to my usual seat as my classmates were also coming in and finding their usual seats as well. As I slid sideways into my seat I felt my phantom self hopping onto the cold, plastic seat and sit down to mimic me. I felt wolf front paws resting on the top of the desk while my hindquarters rested against the back of the chair as I rest down my folder and book. A moment later the bell rang signaling the beginning of the class. 
houseofchimeras: (Default)
Description: A red wolf therian has deep mental shift in the privacy of the backyard one night.
Date First Written : September 2008

I turned to look at the clock on my nightstand by my bed which now read 11:38 at night, only to turn my head back to my TV set and continue to flip through channels. I was anxious that weekend night. Not, an anxiety anxious, but an antsy and energetic anxious. I was full of a energy that just wouldn’t settle and set like the sun. In fact, it had started to creep in as the sun was almost gone from sight and as the night came on it had been growing stronger by the minute. I kept flipped through the channels but nothing was really on. I didn’t want to watch TV nor did I feel like doing anything like that really at all. I growled lightly to myself.

I sat-up in my bed where I had been laying while watching TV and stretched. I looked at the clock again and then back at the TV one more time before I got up walked over to turned it off. My room instantly went dark and silent. The only faint light to see with came from my window that still had the blinds open showing off our backyard.

I went to my window and looked out. I sighed quietly after a moment as I saw the calm night sky behind the darker outline of the trees two from our yard and a number of others from our neighbors but I couldn’t see the rest of their yards because of our privacy fence. From the window I could not see the sky well because of the house overhang and the trees, but what I could see of it was a clear, beautiful cloudless night sky. It was a beautiful early fall night. The weather had been beautiful the past few days like this with the temperature being perfect as far as I was concerned.

Thinking of and seeing the outdoors made me feel something well up in my chest. I felt the strong urge to howl right then and there, but I kept my mouth shut and silent. I wanted to howl but my howling might wake my parents up if I wasn‘t careful. That was the last thing I wanted and needed. I would rather not try and explain why I was howling let alone having to explain my therianthropy to them. That last thing was the last thing I wanted really, telling them their dear child of 17 years was actually a red wolf with a human body. My parents worrying over my last year of high school was enough for me to deal with. So instead I simply closed my window blinds, and slipped out of my room without a sound. 

The rest of the house was dark and still of course. I walked across the house to my parent’s room and stopped at door. The door was open slightly as it usually was. I listened for a comment to make sure they were sleep. Satisfied with not hearing anything, I turned and walked down the hall, through the house and to the back door and flicked on the switch would turn on the patio lights. Quietly and slowly I turned the lock before doing the same for the doorknob. Moving slowly so I would make as little sound as possible. Then, I quietly pulled the door open. Next, I pushed the latch down and pushed on the storm door to open it as well.

Calmly, I stepped out into the night onto the patio in just night shirt and shorts with my bare feet. The warm night air rapped around and embraced me like a welcoming blanket happy to greet me once more. The night air felt so good and refreshing in my lungs that it almost felt like I hadn’t really breathed in for a very long time. I suddenly felt like my body no longer felt so bent-out-of-shape. It was like the night was drawing out and erasing all the stress and worry that had built-up in my system over the pass few days. My body relaxed and my muscles didn’t feel so tight. It all disappeared like a big, much needed sigh.

The light from the patio loosely lit up much of the backyard at least faintly if not more. Plus turning on the patio lights also flipped the garden lights which stood in the gardens around the back of house. They all provided plenty of light to see by as far as I was concerned no matter where I was in the backyard.

I walked forward and then stepped out into the cool, damp grass and earth beneath my feet. The backyard was kept well by my mother and the off and on rains for a two weeks a week before had greened up what the summer had nearly killed. The feeling of the grass and dirt on my toes felt great. For now there was no more shoes, no more carpet, no hard floor, no concrete- just earth and plants. So, I stepped out into the back yard to get a better view around me.

The smells of the still night filled my nose. The smell of lush grass, of the moisture in the air, the trees, the earth beneath me- everything around me that the human nose could just pick-up. Plus, the sounds of the night filled my ears - the sound of crickets chirping and other insects, of the light breeze, of leaves softly moving, and such plus the occasional sound of a car far off in the distance. I felt the ever steady earth below me, the calm air floating around me, the damp grass as well.

I felt the same certain feeling as before began to well up in my chest. I looked around for a moment, not that I would see anything. Everyone was asleep and the houses near ours were not super close. I thought as long as I wasn’t too loud about… So I let it do, a simple howl. Not as good as my kind could do or what I could do if I had the right skin, but I was good for having human vocal cords I guess. It felt so good to howl, even if I had to keep it down a notch. It felt good to be able to howl, even if no one would answer like I would want them too.

It was at this point, as I stood there I felt my mind begin to relax. That a kind of tension and stress in my mind was ebbing and easing away. That my brain began to become numb inside as any worded inner dialogue in my mind shut down. Slowly from the outside and top of my mind downward and inward gently, and smoothly went into a numb rest while for a few brief moments a faint echo of static filled the numbing part of my mind. When my whole mind was numb the faint static completely ebbed away as my head began to feel abnormal heavy and weighted out. My worded thoughts became silent and were replaced with a silent knowing as something from deep depths of my mind came flowing into my consciousness and took-up every part of my mind. A wild presence, I guess I could say.

My human way of thinking know seemed to sleep, allowing my wolf way of thinking to awaken and roam the confines of my consciousness. My mind filled with canid instincts and mannerisms many times stronger then what was normal and everyday for me. I became more silently aware of my surroundings. I felt even more self aware of my body and it’s movements. I hadn’t expected to have such a deep and strong mental shift but at that point in time wondering about it was beyond me.

I sat down in in grass on my lower legs with my feet pointing backward and away me and my arms now acting  like forelegs as they set out in front of me as I sat there. I sat the way I did without any forethought or positioning; I had just sat down. My mind did what it could with the limits of my body.

My senses had also seemingly changed.  My sense of smell and hearing seemed stronger then they normal because I was really paying attention to every little sound rather then ignoring much of it. I could hear the faint breeze, the slight tremble of the grass, and other faint sounds normally over looked. I smelled the trees form nearby, the smell of grass, and of more familiar smells that I usually didn’t pay as much attention too.

Along with my now very different perceptions of the world around me and my senses I also felt new sensations as well. On my head I felt the spectral sensations of wolfish phantom ears, at the base of my spine I felt a the ghostly sensation of a lupine bushy tail, on my face and I felt a phantom wolfish muzzle. They felt like they were real to me, but they couldn’t be seen. Course, not the fact they couldn’t be seen crossed my mind given my altered state of consciousness. I could move them and feel them against my real human body. My phantom tail lay draped across the ground at rest as I sat, while my phantom ears twitched and moved slightly with my emotions. From my phantom tail I could feel the damp and cool grass around me. Through my wolf ears I could feel the light breeze wave across them and feel my human hair against them. I could feel the nostrils of my phantom muzzle expanding and relaxing slightly as if actually taking in air as I breathed in. I could feel my phantom muzzle’s lips twitching and curling slightly as my expression changed slightly from my emotions and thoughts. They might as well as actually been there as far as what they felt to me.

I didn’t contemplate or think about my new state of mind at all. I simply accepted it all as it was for that was in my lupine mind’s nature right then. My nature. To take things as they were, except them, and move on to other things. My mind still thought but the dialogue in my head when I was of a human state of mind was gone. No silent words spoke out my thoughts, no words at all. My emotions, memories, and feeling were the only thing silently racing and bouncing around my head. They were what I thought with now. They made-up my thoughts. I comprehended my surroundings with them. That was my nature. The idea of any complex problem solving or philosophical thinking was beyond this state of mind of mine right then.

I sniffed the air intently for a moment, taking in as much of the smells floating gently and freely on the breeze. Scents I hadn’t even realized floating in the air were all clearer to me now. I dipped my head down to the grass and let my nose to the ground to smell what had settled to the earth.

I stood up but not on my human hind legs but on all fours, my hands and feet. This stance seemed more  natural to me. It seemed like even if I had tried to stand up straight I wouldn’t have been able to keep myself up state for long, if at all given how deep my mental state was then. My new state of mind couldn’t of kept me standing up even if my still very human body could still easily achieve the stance. My mind, trying to think like a wolf would didn’t know that at that time.   

In this state I found myself walking with ease and self-confidence about the yard at that point. I walked with the heels of my feet off the ground and with most of the palms of my hand off the ground as I moved. It seemed natural to me. It was natural to me at that point, at least far more then standing upright let alone walking on my back legs. So I wandered about the backyard freely and at my own whim and leaser without another thought.

My phantom wolf ears twitched forward and my phantom nose at the end of my muzzle twitched with interest. I heard a gentle rustling coming from the other side of the fence. My phantom tail popped up as  I sniffed the air and padded over closer. I stuck my head down to where the privacy fence met the ground but was shy of it by several inches. I leaned down close to it to smell, hear, and see better to see what was about. As I, in curiosity, move closer. I just barely caught sight of a small shape burst out of the bushes and as an annoyed meow called out. It was one of the neighbors out-door cats who was skittish people as a rule. In response I gave a quiet huffing woof and my tail wagged slightly.

After a moment or two went it became clear that the cat had wandered off, my phantom ears and tail relaxed down. So with that I stood back up from almost laying on my stomach and started to talk most of the length of the side of the fence for no real reason. The rest of the fence was much more flush with the ground and so I could not see anything along the ground. 

A sudden whirring sound starting up made my head reactively in the direction of the sound even though I knew it was only the air conditioner unit turning on. My wag gave a short wag as my ears twitched once on my head. Even in the mental state I was in then I knew the sound was ignorable though in his state I couldn’t quite grasp nor actually care to think about way. It did and I didn’t have to worry about. Such was the mentally I was in right then.

I was still me and I still had all the memories that I was did, but some parts of my mind acted like they were shut down or not working like they might normally have. I remembered but that did mean I could comprehend or even think about everything that was there.

So I turned away from and kept wandering about the rest of the yard. After walking more into the center of the yard I looked more upward and into the dark outlines of the trees around. I didn’t near any birds or anything and the only reason the leaves stirred from time to time as from the wind only. Not seeing anything of too much interest I moved on from there.

As I moved and wandered about I would often phase for a second or two to listen to something - a far off car driving down a road, a dog barking somewhere off in the distance, or some other small sound that picked my lupine interest. I scented and smelled the grass many times even though my human nose wouldn’t really pick up much of anything, not that my wolf thinking mind really cared too much. I had no concept of the minute by minute time, only time as an ever going agent as I usually did not really deep mental shifts. I’m not sure how long I wandered about or just sat in the grass passively. I just moved freely about the yard.

Finally, sleep finally caught up with me and I grew tired as the energy that wanting to shift ran out on me. I finally started to feel like I could sleep. Without a second thought I wandered back up onto the patio. I looked at the back door and I knew it could open but felt no understanding or will to try and open it. My brain could not comprehend the idea of gripping my fingers around the knob or twist at all at that point. So instead I walked over to the outdoor coach nearby. It was a simple wicker coach with a comfortable cushion and a few pillows. I leapt onto the coach and laid myself down on my side with my head resting on my arms and a pillow and my legs curled up close to me.

Sleep came upon me quickly and in my dreams I ran as a wolf through never-ending forest. I slept soundly and didn’t wake until the sky had just barely started to grow slightly lighter. My mind was back to its normal human state once more as sleep had reset my mind to its ‘natural’ state. I remembered all of last nights events though they were slightly hazy in places like any other memory.

  I quickly went inside and locked the door back behind me. I went strait into my bedroom to grab a change of cloths and then into the bathroom to take a good bath, making sire to really scrub my arms and legs. While finishing up in the bathroom I head the weekend alarm going off telling my parents it was the time they liked to/needed to get up.

July 2014

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