The Chimeras' Log

Important:

This journal is basically “Friends” only.

 This has been done for personal reasons. People are welcome to subscribe and whatnot, however, a lot of what we talk about in our journal relates to our plurality, nonhumanity, queerness, paganism, and more. So some of the content might not be for everyone. This journal also occasionally talks about mature topics.


About Us:

We are a large mixed-origin nonhuman multiple system that goes by House of Chimeras.

We received a diagnosis of DDNOS from our 1st therapist in 2010. When the DSM-5 came out our 2nd therapist reassessed us & found we did not meet all criteria for DID or OSDD with the DSM-5 (though we once did). While every mental health professional we've seen since has acknowledged our plurality, we've never been rediagnosed.

Our multiplicity is caused by several factors. In brief: we believe were born already predisposed toward multiplicity due to neurodivergence, were born with more than one soul, had trauma that directly messed with our identity development, various negative childhood events pushed us to maladaptive daydreaming which lead to the creation of tulpas/thoughtforms, & an animistic predispositions leading to spirit possession.

Our system consists of a wide array of nonhumans. Most of us are nonhuman animals that exist or have existed on Earth. Others are animals of a more mythical or fictional sort. A few of us are also plants.

Our overall spiritual beliefs can best be described as pagan with an undercurrent of pantheism, hard polytheism, and animism among us. A major part of our spiritual practice is heavily inspired historical accounts of groups like the Benandanti. Our practice is heavily focused on local nature spirits and, to an extent, aiding the nonhuman dead.

We label our body a transgender-non-binary-genderfluid. We have also made several alterations to our body to appear more androgynous. Collectively our pronouns are they/them/their and individually our pronouns are she/her/hers for the female members in our system, he/him/his for the male members of our system, and either they/them/their (or hie/hem/hir, if needed for clarity) anyone not strictly male or female.

Our general hobbies include reading (both nonfiction and fiction), writing (essays and stories), arts related stuff (mostly drawing and crafting) participating in various outdoor activities (hiking, amateur-level caving, wild-life watching, and learning wilderness survival skills), and collecting (namely books and animal bones). We read or listen to, on average, 70 books every year.

Our Website:
The Chimeras Library - https://houseofchimeras.neocities.org/


If you have any questions for any of us, just PM us.

Date First Written: January 2013


Being in the closet about being multiple takes on many forms. Some people are out to no one at all, some are only ‘out’ to a few very select people, others are out to a number of  people in there lives, and perhaps a few are even out to much of the public around them. For ourselves, we are mostly only out to a few very select people in our close social circles and even fewer in our family though we are almost completely out to everyone online. However a fair number of people in our lives do not know we are a we at all and we have chosen to take this route for a verity of personal reasons and slowly come out to certain people when we feel it is proper or wanted. Its all about personal privacy, being comfortable, and being able to come out to any number of people if that is what has been chosen. No one has to come out at all, though at times some multiples have chosen to do so. It’s a very personal matter.

Being out to some people, but not others have its pros and cons of course. Like coming out about any kind of personal information about your life - sometimes its just not anyone’s business or concern but other times coming out seems much more needed to the personal situation. For us personally, just as there are some people we know casually that don’t even know our last name or anything of the sort we feel zero reason for them to know any other amount of personal information. If we only know them casually and they don’t know a lot about us to begin with plus they will likely never know a lot about us - the fact of us actually being multiple is beyond consideration for information they need to know. We are a group of people in one body and we are family, not a fun and curious factoid of the day. Our family and family matters just aren’t anyone’s and everyone’s business most of the time.

However there are some people in our lives who we are closer too and that we do consider people who should know us and we should be honest too. They are either actually part of our family or they have become rather close friends or confidents. It is in these people that we come to even begin to consider possibly coming out to as being multiple. At this time, we are not out to much of our family due to either knowing that they would not take our being multiple well, or because we do not think at this point in time is the best time to come out. However, we are out to a few people in our lives and so far those coming out experiences have been positive to neutral.

Being multiple, or just being plural in general, is not something readily known to the general population. This can cause all sorts of troubles when thinking of even the prospect of coming out to anyone. Plus, due to the stigma of Dissociative Identity Disorder (once called Multiple Personality Disorder), there can be issues with coming out as a non-disordered or healthy plural system. The fact that DID has become so sensationalized in media, it can easily complicate things if coming out becomes a topic of consideration. Trying to possibly come out to people who might have head of DID/MPD and try to come out as an individual system rather than a media stereotype and oversimplification can be possibly daunting. Especially if you are a natural and healthy multiple trying to basically go against the stereotypes laid down by media portrayals yet alone the dictions between being a functioning system cared to a non-functioning one. Further there is the natural skepticism and confusion over the idea of either multiple souls sharing a single body and/or a brain being able to handle more then one identity and sense of self (depending on how each system considers their group to be set-up and caused). Most people don’t think about that being possible. On the one hand, that makes people figuring out someone is multiple unlikely usually as they aren’t trying to peg someone as such, yet on the other hand it can make coming out and accepted as a multiple much more difficult.

For us, we’ve come to find the hardest and most difficult part of being not out as multiple when it comes to our close friends and family is not hearing our names being called. It’s a rather simple thing - the sound that has been designated as a label for an individual but it makes a lot of difference to us. We’ve never been the kind of people that thinks we need to be out to anyone and everyone, however we would love to be able to be known by our own family and close friends. We do wish at times that we could be out and accepted by our family and have them call us out by name and acknowledge us rather then always collectively have to pretend to be the same person.

Over the years we have gained a lot of practice at keeping our multiplicity hidden when we want too. Each of us has our own tone and style of voice as well as physical mannerisms and ways of holding ourselves among us. That is not to forget to mention our own individual opinions on certain matters as well as certain preferences and dislikes. Just like any group of people we act like we are different people because we are different people. However being in a multiple system that is not out to most of the world has made our keeping our multiplicity from being really noticeable an art. While fronting around people who do not know of us being multiple - we keep to around a certain tone and to certain options and likes/dislike which we have weaved over the years to be what people think this one ‘person.’

Being multiple and not out to everyone can create some confusion on how to talk to be people. In our own case, because of our wide verity of (for example) gender identification, sexual orientation, and religious stances - those became an issue for us on how to outwardly present or label ourselves. In our case, we have ended up deciding to go for sticking with umbrellas that can explain most of our most notable behaviors to avoid confusion for those we are not out too. For example, if people who we are not out to ask our religious beliefs we might state that ‘we’ (though they hear ‘I’) and simply say pagan. If asked further we would state ‘we’ are an “eclectic pagan of a mix of various pagan or neopagan religious.” This wording allows for a lot of what people could potentially read or infer from us. If for example one day Lunatani makes mention of things which are Wiccan-based but another day Pantairin makes mention of more Buddhist practices - people thinking we are an “eclectic pagan” will make the most sense to them and allow us more freedom on what we might say to people without fear of stepping to much off their social labels on us. Not breaching labels or ideas people have set up for us, because they think and see one person whereas in fact we are many, can lessen a lot of confusion. To keep things simple and to not breach what image we have created for us in our everyday life.

Of course, we make mistakes and at times one of us might say ‘we’ rather then ‘I’ on accident or slip into their natural voice rather then our mask tone of voice. It happens on occasion and perhaps more then we even realize. However thankfully usually people don’t notice our mistakes, or if they do notice they make no mention of it. It seems when our mistakes our noticed most people will happy and quickly let it slide off their mind as something not really our of place for being ‘normal’ and will likely never think ‘multiple.’ Actually of all the years, only on a few occasions have people called us out on it, but that happens very rarely and usually these events are laughed off as slips of the tongue.

This is some of the nature of not being out as a multiple system to some people but not others.

- Zedjeb

Description: A crow therian is stuck in a car during a trip and dreams of stretching his wings.


This day was making me wonder about the real possibly of a living hell. I was also beginning to realize what is must be like for an animal to have to spend its days in a small cage. Everything was closed in and there was not even room to really turn around nor to stretch. I was stuck in a car going down the interstate with the rest of my family for the next ten more hours whether I liked it or not. And while I had never really ever considered a car to be like a cage before, this mind numbing long drive was beginning to change my mind.

I stared out my window to see the many trees and greenery wiz past in a light slow motion blur. I was thankful that at least the view for most of this trip was going to be nice. It was just trees, open fields, and sometimes a few crop fields in just about every direction. We rarely came within sight of any kind of city or town. It was kind of nice that way, though a little dull and boring after a while.

I couldn’t say the same for everything inside the car though. I sat in the back of the car with my brother on the other side of me while my parents sat in the front. They had the radio tuned onto a station for their kind of music, and while I had nothing against the music, I couldn’t take listening to it for the whole trip. So instead, I listened to my MP3 player mostly, drowning out their music with the sound of my own.

I shifted my weight one way and then another. I then attempted to stretch my legs as best I could in my cramped little space. I even tried to stretch my arms forward and then backward as far as the confines of the car would allow to little success. I glanced over to see my brother asleep - his face against the window of his side of the car. Seeing that the coast was clear I then stretched my arms outward even going as far in my desperation as to lean toward the center of the car so that my other arm could also get a little bit more of a stretch.  

“You having trouble back there?” Asked my mom from the driver’s seat, her eyes still focused on the road in front of her.

“Ya, this whole drive down there is my problem.”

“Well you’re just going to have to survive until we reach our next rest stop where will take a break and get dinner. Then it will be just another hour after that.”

“When’s that?” My mother didn’t answer for a moment as we came up and then passed a few highway signs. “About another three hours.”

In defeat I relaxed back into my seat with an aggravated sigh.  Even though I was glad to be on vacation and to be going to see family I hadn’t seen in years the drive was driving me crazy. Flying would have been better… but then again, flying on my own power would have topped both. But I would just have to suffer for a while longer until our next stretch break to get out and stretch my legs as well as phantom wings.

In my mind’s eye I could easily imagine myself the way I saw me sitting in the back seat of a car going fast down the highway. Instead of seeing my physical body I saw a common crow standing there. Just your average common crow. Nothing special there.

It was my phantom wings which were really giving me problems now, but I’d rather not bring that conversation up. I could see it now, “Hey, Mom, Dad, just so you know I’m a crow. Ya, I don’t mean physically, but I am one regardless. I’ve always been one and I’ve known since I was really little. You see there’s this term called therianthropy and…” I couldn’t see anything good coming out of that discussion.

My brother was cool though. I’d told him some time ago and he had been okay with it from the start. He even bought me a really cool poster he’d found with crows all over it. Well actually, they were in reality ravens, but it was the thought that counts. It was still an awesome poster none the less. Though, of course, he sometimes used puns and phrases like “bird-brained’ and such on me from time to time, but even before I’d told him we would always be calling each other silly names. At least with those I could take them as an ironic complement on being bird brained indeed!

 Either way though this car trip was getting on my nerves. I couldn’t really move much and I was bored out of my mind. It was nothing but long concrete and assault which cut between pasture and farmland along with the occasional forest along the way. The route we were taking was going to avoid a lot of cities and towns. The most exciting thing I had seen all day had been when we passed an open field with a small herd of deer grazing. At the moment though, there was nothing but road and forest. I was just happy of all routes we could of taken, this one was the shortest in the overall trip.  

Along my arms I felt my wings enlarged to match my human body. Extending from arms was the sensation of dense and complex layer of contour feather and flight feathers. My phantom wings continuing off my fingertips some length away. They were dense. I could feel the volume and relatively light weight of them on my arms. A bird ebullient of an elbow and wrist basically matching up with my physical ones. All of it roughly ended around my shoulders were the feeling just faded away.

Usually they didn’t bother me, but being stuck in the confines of a car was not only making my physical body stiff but also my wings too. And I didn’t like it one bit. The times that they did ache a lot like if they started bothering me during a long college lecture a good stretch and slight ‘flap’ would usually remedy things quickly, however in a car that was physically impossible really.

At a loss, I leaned against the car and hoped that I might sooner or later fall asleep so I could get away from it all for a while. My eyes wandered to gaze outside the car watching the green blur again. Staring out across the landscape made my mind begin to wander itself. At first I thought of everyday things and concerns - some how managing to continue to pay for next few years (or more) of college to get my Bachelor’s degree in medicine in hopes of becoming an RN plus continue to try and save up so I could own my own place, even if it was just an apparent first off. Then my mind began to move elsewhere - I remembered the talk of a possible get-together or ‘howl’ on the therianthrope forum that I frequent. A gathering that might take place just a few hours drive from home, and I hoped it came to actually pass because I wanted that kind of a vacation for a few days. Going camping with a couple of other therians in my rough area seemed really nice especially if a few people from last time also were able to go. After a while, my mind began to slip into daydreams.

At first, it was the mental image of a crow flying just above the braches of tresses. Eyeing the ground for any hint of something interesting, possibly tasty, or possible danger. The sky was a clear blue outside a few dreamy wisps here and there. The crow’s wings were wide spread, flapping every so often when the winds weakened.

It was just a crow. Just a common regular crow, but that mental image of a crow was me. They say some of the simplest things can make you happy and I have to agree because just imaging and thinking about being a crow and flying was what often made me happy. If ever I was feeling a little off or down, often just thinking about actually being a crow rather then just the having the identity of one would usually cheer me up. It made me think of what such a shame that physical shifting was actually impossible and only found in fiction because what dream life of being able to go back and forth it could possibly bring.

So I just let my mind daydream on like that - flying this way and that. Nothing overly fantastic or action packed, just a crow doing stereotypical  and everyday birdie things. Nothing riveting by far but it didn’t have to be for me. I let myself drift away, hoping I would drift into dreamland, however I was fully awake. I was disconnected to the outside world but my mind was still going. I could still sense and see the outside world but my little daydream held more precedence. The outside world didn’t matter just then. The trip was long and I had little else to do to pass the time.

I was flying then. The ground was whizzing by, not around me, but below me. The clear sky above me and the wind of my flight brushed hard against me. With a single wing beat I could feel the thrust of my powerful flight muscles on my chest as wings forced down on the air and wind. I could see far and wide, endless expanse all around me.

I didn’t know what kind of hallucination or so called out-of-body experience this was but I didn’t care in the end for what it truly was. I just relished in the feeling of it while it lasted however long it might. I didn’t care if it was a dream or not. I just enjoyed what I felt and saw. I enjoyed feeling like a wild crow.       

I couldn’t feel my body anymore. It wasn’t anything like a simple daydream, and if I was actually dreaming instead I couldn’t have changed anything of the dream if I ever had some bizarre reason drive to. I could fly where I wanted, but I couldn’t just change anything else. I saw through a crow’s eyes  and not a third person perspective watching myself. All I felt was the shape of my crow body. The wing’s opened wide, the hard beak, my body covered in countless feathers, and everything else.    

All I could be was a crow flying. I dipped my wings a little to drift down closer to the tree tops. Closer to the tree tops I lost the wind’s lift and I began to have to pump my wings to keep from falling out of the sky. Just below me the trees fell away into open land -crop fields. A strong gust of wing ran over me and I took the opportunity to gain altitude. I wanted to go higher, and so I  did. Slowly and gently I began to clime up into the sky.  
 
The ground below me lost out and everything began to seem to grow smaller as the distance increased. The horizon became fully visible to me as the sky took over the land around my sphere of perception. A whole new world of movement had opened up to me. My world had depth and dimension now instead of simply being stuck along and near the ground. My movements were free and only limited by the power of my wings.

I could fly. I could finally do what I had always felt right, even if it was just an abnormally detailed and vivid dream. That didn’t matter. I could fly wherever I wanted to. I was free. That mattered to me. My wings tilled one way and my direction changed. I changed my wings another way and began to fly lower toward the ground…

“Hey?! Hey!” I bolted awake in an instant, sitting up straight in a daze with the side of my face stingily slightly were it had met window glass from which it had just been pealed away from. My brother gave my shoulder another nudge with his hand. “Hey, you wantta stretch you legs or what?” I looked around in a flash to find we were parked at a gas station. My parents were already out of the car filling up the tank and my bother’s car door was already open. Rubbing the side of my face that had been pressed up against the car and giving a light yawn I unbuckled my seatbelt, opened the door, and stepped out of the car in a daze.

I stepped a few feet from the car and stretched my arms and my phantom wings for a nice and long moment. I was then that I really started to look around and started to get my bearings from being jolted awakened that I happened to look up in the sky and noticed the sun was still somewhat low in the sky. I felt a sign of unease and loathing creep back over me, realizing the I hadn’t been asleep that long at all. At a loss I began to walk over to the gas station door to see if I could find something to snack on.

“Don’t get anything to eat! After this we’re headed up the road to go get some dinner!” I heard my mom over my shoulder yell. I stopped and turned around to look back toward the car.
“What do you mean? What time is it?”

“Its nearly six o’clock.” I let the time sink in but I couldn’t quite grasp what that meant in space of the trip outside the fact I had been asleep for hours. I asked about how much longer till we got to our distention.

“About an hour.” Said my father and at that I was relaxed. Thinking back whatever amount of crazy I had experienced during the trip had made time fly by in perhaps the best way possible. It left me hoping that it marked things to come over the rest of the trip.

Description: A gray therian has a full body phantom shift while at school.
Date First Written : January 2008

My psychology teacher talked, giving his lecture on human behavior. At times he quoted the class psychology book, while at other times he spoke from his own memory of the subject of the day. The whole class was relatively quite. No one really spoke apart from the teacher. The only common sounds in the classroom were faint ones just audible though very quite. The quiet sound of pencils scraping against paper as people -myself included- wrote down notes on what was being said by the teacher; the quite moan and groan from old wooded and metal desks creaking as people shifted in their seats; of the sound of the rubber bottoms of shoes sliding lazily against the concrete floor; and other random everyday sounds of a high school classroom.

I sat at my desk near the back in one of the outside rows, quietly listening as usual. I found psychology really pretty festinating actually and the teacher we had was actually pretty good. I loved to the hear the theories and brake-down of behavior and mind-set plus the concepts that explained how the brain worked and why and how we dreamed. A lot of things about psychology I liked. It often made me wonder in amusement and interest what some of the psychologists we read about would think of part of my identification let alone other people like me. Course, from what I had heard, a few small studies had occurred on very small scales but nothing that big from what I had heard anywhere in my few years around the communities related to my identification.

This part of my identity was much more then just a belief or perception for me. It was fact of my life, which I lived with every day and every moment no matter what, for better and for worse. Something that was as much a part of me as much as I could possibly imagine. This was such a strong part of my identity and my daily experiences that in some ways it was as much a of me as anything physical about me. It was very deeply embedded and nestled within my very heart and soul as far as I was concerned even at this point in my life after feeling this way sense I was a child. This part of my identity was the fact that - though I was fully and complete human physically - my heart, mind, and even what I thought of as my soul told me without dough that my inner self was that of a wolf.  I didn’t know how or why I was the way I was. Whether it was because it was from reincarnation and that I had been a gray wolf in a past life, or whether it was because I had somehow strongly imprinted in some way with wolves and other canines at a very young age, or whether it was because I some kind of naturally occurring brain abnormality; or some other cause all together I didn‘t know. I didn’t really care actually, because I was myself regardless if I ever knew that fact or not.

I shifted my weight so all my weight was focused more on one side of my hip. I did not like sitting in these desks at times like that. It was times like this that the desks was uncomfortable then. Not that they were any more or less comfortable any other time, but simply more uncomfortable at this point. I had a nagging pitched or pulled pain that was almost like the pain one gets when one’s arm is being pulled back onto one’s own back. I shifted my weight around again, trying to find a better position that might provide me with some kind of relief from my discomfort.

What was accruing was my tail, phantom though it was, had become very solid in how I was feeling it much more so than usual when I had a phantom tail. My ghost of a tail had been a near constant silent companion to me along with my phantom ears for quite a while now anymore, but at this time the feelings had been increased up. Other phantoms that I experienced like a muzzle or fur came and went for hours to days, but my spectral wolf ears and tail always stayed. They were a fact of my every day life. Sometimes they were weak and very ghost-like with being more detached in there reality to me, while at other times my phantom limbs were so solid in feel that if I didn’t know better I might feel the urge to double check to make sure that they were not actually really there somehow.

Today was one of those days when my phantom tail had became even more intense than usual and felt very solid to me. Even though I knew very well my phantom limbs were all in my mind it never made the discomfort of sitting in a hard desk with a tail sticking out of one’s tailbone and getting cramped up against me any easier at all.    

I set my pencil down on my paper for a moment as I shifted my weight even more off to the side, before finally finding the relief I had been seeking for my phantom tail. My tail lay curled around beside me in my seat on my left side. Three or four years of experience had taught me that not only was this method more comfortable it was also safer. The reason being that line of thinking was that: not only could my phantom limbs feel very ghostly or solid, they could also react like they were ghostly or solid. When my phantoms reacted ghostly they would pass through anything like a ghost and there would be no real sensation on my part apart from the presence of the limb itself. When my phantom felt very solid to me they would act like they were really there and they would not pass through solid objects. Instead could feel the confinement and such as thought it was actually there. The cause of my safely measure had come about after a classmate who had sat behind me in Spanish class a few years ago had kicked the back of my chair and had hit my tail dead-on. The pain that had shot up my spine was similar to that of someone had actually kicked me. After that I had taken care to protect my phantom limbs as much as I did any of my real limbs. 

Once our teacher started on information I felt I wanted to write down again, I quickly picked up my pencil and begun to take notes once more. My ears twitched and turned, without forethought from me, with my every thought and emotion. They would perk-up more, then slant backward, then return to normal, then move ever so slightly this way or that. That was how it always was though I hardly noticed my ears movement at any time unless I was actively noting it because it was so second nature.

My tail mostly lay motionless beside me apart from the occasional slow, slight wag of the tip of my tail for one reason or another at times. Usually, like my ears, my phantoms acted without my willful thought making them move less I really needed them to move. My ears and tail moved like any other body part – without any effect on my conscious mind for it was all a natural motion. By the way my phantoms reacted to things around me and how I reacted to them they might as well been physically real. They were real enough to me, real enough not to be imaging them. My phantom limbs were real enough even though they were not physically there.

The boy beside me raised his hand to ask a question. The teacher quickly stopped to call on him and answer him. My phantom ears came forward with sudden acute interest as the teacher’s answer spawned my own question. I consciously made my tail wag once, for my own amusement. The teacher quickly answered my question and went back to this lecture. My curiosity satisfied, my ears relaxed back to there normal position.

At that time my psychology teacher called that that was enough for the day and retired to his desk. I glanced at the wall clock to see that we only had about two minutes left. I placed my papers back in my large binder and put my pencil into the pouch which was snapped into my binder. I got my things set up to rush out the door as soon as the bell rang due to the fact that I had to make it across the campus to get to my next class which would be Chemistry.

With everything ready to go I relaxed back into my seat, waiting for the bell to ring. As I sat I let my mind wander in random thought. I thought about my English assignment that was due after lunch. I wondered if the weather was going to be nice after school in hopes of being able to go to the park for a while or if there was any possibility of going camping this fall. At the thought of camping it brought back a passing thought that caused my phantom ears twitched and folded back slightly in response. I was part of the therian community online and I had been sense I was fifteen. Now that I had my own car and I was a senior in high school my parents were a lot easier on me. There were a few people that lived in my rough area that I had been talking to off and on for a while. One of those therians that lived in a city just an hour away from me, a cougar who was a few years older then me and was already in their second year of college, was pretty cool. He and I had already had a number of mini-hangouts already over the year, and we actually had a fair lot in common besides just being therians. Us and a few others had been playing the idea of having a gather, or “howl,” in the next few months. The idea of seeing Purring Joe (his username and his real name was Joe), the cougar therian again plus the idea of seeing other therians while going camping made my phantom tail wag. That would be fun for sure.

As I sat there waiting up till that last few seconds of class I then randomly had an image come to mind. The image of how I see myself as a gray wolf - a regular mixed gray and some pale tan coat. The first mental image was myself as a gray wolf with a pack in a snowy open plain, but the second mental image was of myself as a gray wolf sitting as I was right then and there. Of a gray wolf having to sit down in the seat that I was sitting in. Hindquarters sitting in the seat with tail slightly draped around the side with front paws laying up along the desk.

My mind locked on the ‘feel’ of my theriotype being in the place of my physical human body. It was now around me in my senses and feelings. I felt the numb and disembodied presence of a phantom sensation come around me, but it was not just ears, tail, or muzzle; it was everything else as well. My full wolf body was my phantom sensation. My whole physical human body was shadowed by a phantom wolf body.

I slowly glanced about the room calmly, feeling my phantom wolf head turn along with my physical human head in the same space as my physical body. My phantom wolf body sat on its – my? – haunches in my seat. My right arm lay in my lap and my left one lay on the desk beside my book and folder. Similarly, my phantom wolf body appeared to be trying to mimic and match my physical body as best I could. My right foreleg set upright on the seat of the desk supporting my weight while my left foreleg lay on my desk table. My phantom body was trying to do what my physical body was doing to the best of what my brain thought wolf anatomy would allow.

I felt my muzzle in front of my face and the fur that covered my phantom body. I still felt my tail curled beside me and my ears on my head but now they were a part of a full body. I did not just have phantom limbs now; I now had a phantom body. A phantom apparition that was me sitting in the same space as my physical body. My phantom wolf body was sitting fully like a wolf in a school desk that was uncomfortable for a human body any day of the year and even more so for a wolf.

Despite that, I liked it. I liked the feel of my phantom wolf body being there over me. I had had full wolf body phantoms before, though very rarely. Though having a phantom wolf body was always a bit odd and even awkward at times.

With acute questioning interest I lifted my arm off the table slightly only to feel my front leg mimic it. My phantom ears twitched forward and the corners of my phantom muzzle’s lips slightly to brake-out into a wolf-like grin. I laid my arm down then and set my other arm on the desk beside it, my phantom limbs acting accordingly. I was so easily amused at times indeed.

At that moment, the bell let out its sudden shrill ring at that moment signaling the end of the hour causing my ears to perk-up in attention. There was a rush of sound: books closing, shoes pushing against the floor, books sliding off the desks, people beginning to talk to one another, and so on as the all headed for the door.

Automatically I physically stood up from my desk, my folder and math book held propped up at my chest. However my phantom body landed on all fours to the ground in my place. I felt my wolf body standing straight where I was along with feeling my physical body. I felt all four paws against cold, hard, smooth concrete besides just the feel of my real two feet surrounded by the warm confinement of my own shoes and the pressure of gravity against the soles of my feet.

Without missing a beat I began to walk for the door. To anyone else I was just a normal teenage guy, as they didn’t know the feelings that I felt daily and certainly didn’t know of the sensations I felt now right now walking both as a human and a wolf out with them out of the classroom. They did not know of this feeling of a ghost-like wolf body walking within my step nor the feeling my every day phantom tail sticking out of my butt and the phantom ears on top of my head otherwise either. Life really was weird that way.

My phantom wolf head was not with my own head but down low to the ground in a natural position for a gray wolf. I felt my wolf muzzle open slightly in light pant as all six of my legs – two real, four phantom – walked out the door and into the hallway of the school. I felt the motion of my phantom wolf legs walking with perfect pace with my body but in a different sync. I had lost my regular phantom tail that felt like it came out of my tailbone and now only had the phantom tail that was attached to my phantom wolf body. Said tail now wagged slightly as I walked down the halls to my next class. I was enjoying this feeling indeed.

I could feel people pass me, not just with my physical body but with my phantom body as well. I could feel their presence as much with my wolf body as I could with my human one. When people brushed up against my shoulder or arm as we all tried to hurried to our next class in the packed hallway, I could even feel there legs bush up against my wolf body. Their real bodies rumbling against that thick wolf fur along my phantom body. As I walked briskly down the hall avoiding groups of people standing still or walking too slowly for my pace I felt my wolf body do the same.

As I moved I felt my dull claws at the tip of my wolf body’s paws gently tap and scrape against the marble surface of the school floor. I even slightly felt the slight bounce and shift of my body fur as I quickly walked. My wolf head turned with my physical one as I kept looking around for the best way to get through as the people around me did the same.

In my own mind it felt like my brain was working double time. Processing the movements of my physical body as well as processing the movements of my phantom body. Feelings and sensations from both  having to be worked out. It felt like my balance was all over the place, even though more than likely to the outside world my balance seemed fine and normal. I even falsely ‘saw’ what it would be like if my real eyes were where the eyes of my phantom wolf body were right then. Looking about with being almost level with people’s thighs. I felt a bit awkward to me, but the rest of the experience I was enjoying to much to care about that.

As I turned a corner and headed straight for the door into my Chemistry classroom, my wolf self padding along with me as it had after sitting up at the end of my last class. I walked into the classroom and made my way quickly to my usual seat as my classmates were also coming in and finding their usual seats as well. As I slid sideways into my seat I felt my phantom self hopping onto the cold, plastic seat and sit down to mimic me. I felt wolf front paws resting on the top of the desk while my hindquarters rested against the back of the chair as I rest down my folder and book. A moment later the bell rang signaling the beginning of the class. 

Date First Written : September 2012

Deer equates to prey. Or at least that is the idea of many have immediately upon the consideration of what deer are. Deer of any species are often a source of food for a number of other animals in the world either directly by hunting them or by scavenging. Other animals depend upon the existence of various deer species that live in the same habitat with them. In many areas, if deer disappeared many large predators would starve due to lack of other large animals to eat. Yet, there is something people often forget too easily. The fact that deer are not prey. At least, not without calcification of events. A deer becomes prey, rather than are always just prey.

Prey is only something that happens when one messes up or luck is not in your favor. Wild deer have their own lives and do not live to just be eaten. They live for their own kinds existence and to continue on with their species. Animals adapt and live together and against each other. No animal is better than the other and each lives to live in whichever way possible for them. A simple fact of nature is that any animal can become prey to another really given the right events. The nature and traits of a deer are for their own survival and deer did not evolve as they have because they are prey but rather they evolved as they have to avoid being prey. The wariness and sensitive nature of the deer is meant to keep them alive.

As a deer therianthrope, these are just some of the awkward instincts that come into my mind. I have found that there is an interesting conflict in being a deer, and that is what I can best describe as the mix of two powerful feelings - wariness and curiosity. The wariness of a deer is perhaps the most apparent to many people who have watched deer. The ready nature of a deer to move and react in some way or form in a moment, even if the reaction  may not be needed or be executed in a way that could have been done better. The curiosity of deer is to keep watchful eyes open and take note the around them. To inquire on what is going on around them and so to better react. Curiosity and wariness compliant each other for deer, but for a deer in human form the mix of two instincts can lead to awkward situations. Such as spooking from sudden movement or sounds often leading to awkward situations because I am a deer in a human body. Such wary instincts do not often work like they are supposed to for a deer in the mold of human society. The human species is a social predator and so the human species are not one to be as conditioned by the lives of those that came before them to be as wary of possible danger. Such is the nature of many predators and even more so is the nature of domestication into human society.

The deer that are seen on hunting and outdoor shirts and posters are not really how deer are. Just like many species of animals, deer are plagued with over romanticism of traits that human beings see as admirable while outright ignoring less ‘glamorous’ facts of life for deer.  My instincts and behaviors as a deer is not just about fleeing from possible danger or standing as majestically as possible. My instincts are filled with in instincts to graze on plant-life when I see healthy lush plants such as grass and clover, the instinct to kneel down to drink when I see bodies of water, to be with others of my kind, to use my awareness and remain alert to what my senses are bringing in, wanting to find a safe place to settle down and chew my cud, and many more little things. My nature as being a deer in a human body is more then just one small aspect of a deer’s overall life and behavior. All animals are complex living organisms with a wide verity of behaviors.

As a deer therian in the therianthropy community I am tried of being called food. When I speak that I am a deer therian, what I can sometimes receive back are comments about that deer are tasty or being given teasing jokes of promising not to hunt me. I might be a deer in a human body but I am still human and if you seriously consider me food then I implore you to seek psychiatric help. And for that matter if I were physically a deer and the other their own species, a healthy deer can often outrun a number of other animals out to hunt them and even when cornered they can easily be killed by a good kick or stomp. If I bring up not liking being called prey and bring up that deer are not prey I have been waved off as not being able to take a joke. I hardly find calling someone their food a joke. 

Perhaps I am not surprised that how few non-carnivore theriotype therians don’t stick around long at all. Sometimes I think, if you do not know why, simply look at what comes out of some people’s mouths sometimes. Teasing and playful jokes thought to be innocent and made in fun are often not such by the person the receiving end. Perhaps to the gray wolf therians that I meet I should exclaim how I love watching wolves being hunted by airplane or being killed for someone’s exotic stake; or to the dog therians speak of how some countries eat dog and my interest in trying it one day. Those statements might be lies coming from me and I am sicken to any such thoughts, but such statements are allowed to be said to deer therians by others.

Some might exclaim that deer are often hunted unlike some other animals, yet remember - any animal can become prey to another animal if the opportunity arises to another. Wolves have been seen hunting down foxes and wolves will kill and eat other wolves if the opportunity arises. Carnivores may eat plant material if given the right place and need, even if it is not dire and likewise; and even herbivores have been known to eat meat-material as well. And regardless of this, how socially awkward do you think to feels herbivore therians to be called food to other therians? Treated like a piece of meat literally? Truly t is tiresome and straining. I’ve been asked if being around carnivore therians makes me feel uncomfortable. Thinking about it, I sometimes have to say yes but not because of what they are but what they constantly say and mention to me personally. A real life deer does not always flee in terror at the sight of another animal.

I am a deer in a human body. I do not “prey” in a human body. I see myself as a deer; not as a product of what others may take me for. The body, instinct, and nature of the various species of deer is where my identity resides.

Further driving a wedge between my identity and another therian’s is the difference in nature between a number of herbivores and a number of carnivores. A lot of people don’t seem to get therians over all, but even within therianthropy the subgroups can’t seem to fully get the others. How can a number of land-based therians ever fully sympathize with any number of water-dwelling therian nor sky-flying therians. Herbivore not fully understanding carnivore, extinct therians to extant ones. Some experiences can be similar but others are as alien as ever to the other. I can’t image the instincts that drive some therians to want to hunt and chase let alone eat raw flesh of another; but in the same token, I doubt few therians could imagine my instincts for complete awareness of my surroundings and alertness nor my strong desire to graze.

Neither are wrong nor lesser. Just different. We are all different, and we are all therians as the word therian include all animals large and small. Therians come in many different theriotypes, and deer therians are part that. Deer therians are a part of the community as much as any kind of theriotypes. We should all be respected.

- Pantairin

Date First Written: March 2012; Date Last Updated : March 2013

Unicorns in mythology and through art have been described in various ways from being rather horse-like to being more deer-like of course, but have also been likened to being goat-like or even some other kinds of ungulates like even almost wildebeest-like. While the color white is often thought of as the color of a unicorn’s coat, others coat colors have been seen throughout history. Among the unicorns in human bodies, though there is a lot of diversity as well. A number are more horse-like in shape, others more deer-like, or some other kind of ungulate-like. Our coats are not all stark white, and instead coat colors seem to come in various colors and patterns from one that might be seen on any ungulate to amazing colors and patterns not seen even among a number of Earthy animals. One unicorn’s horn can be smooth or spiraled, be of different lengths, straight or curved, and so on compared to another’s horn. Hooves can be solid or cloven, fur length can vary, and so on with any number of details. As diverse as the art and mythology of unicorns it seems.

I also have my own body image as far as I look internally. My body type actually seems more deer or impala like in the body and neck though my legs are slightly thicker then how a deer‘s legs would be. If I had to guess my height, I would be about 14 hands (56 inches, 142 cm, 4 feet 8 inches) tall at the withers which would just put under the distinction between being the size of a horse and the size of a pony. Likewise, my hooves are cloven like a deer’s but without the outer smaller two toes. My horn curves back and shaped like a crescent moon. It also spirals tightly but doesn’t have a definite line curling around it making my horn look a lot like how a narwhal’s tuck in its texture. My coat is of a buckskin color though I don’t have the black points on my legs so much as just a fade into a bronze color. On my head there are an oval shaped snip marking on his nose and a roughly circular star mark around the base of my horn. On my legs lighter grays fade into darker ones down to the hoof. My mane is a light tan. It runs along the back of my neck and back as a furry fringe, all standing/raising up for the most part. This fur fringe continues long the top of my tail stops just after the beginnings of my tail and continues on the underside down the rest of my tail to end in a large tuff. Along the back of my legs there is also fur fringe, and along my chest is a large patch of fur plus a smaller tuff below my chin.

As a unicorn in a human body, a lot of my active experiences and feelings come by way along the lines of phantom sensations is of my unicorn horn. I do have a feeling and remembrance of my unicorn horn on this human head most vividly. This feeling is based just above the center of my forehead rather than squarely right at the center of my forehead. Because of my phantom horn, I have a rather pinpoint personal bubble around and above my head when I control our human body. If my head comes close to someone, I’m only comfortable if it is on my terns and my limits. I naturally tend to take deep-seeded contempt and discomfort to people coming close to the my head without my consent. During thunderstorms, the upper part of my forehead where my phantom horn is often tingles or feels full of static rather strongly. Other notable weather changes often seem to bring on a warm tingling there. On the flipside, when - as some people refer to it as - my gut starts telling me something is off or not right my phantom horn will burn and throb slightly. If something is not sitting well with me or does not feel right to me, my horn acts up as a warning. At random, the base of phantom horn with itch but I do not know why, if it actually has a reason for it at all.

Outside of my phantom horn experiences, I do not have too many phantom experiences as strongly or as common in my every day life.  Every once in a while I feel the fur fringe running down my the top of neck, down my spine, and down my long phantom tail. During these times, my long phantom tail will swift and wave around freely with the feeling of my ridge of fur waving loosely upright in any breeze. I also get phantom sharp teeth for my kind of unicorn have an equivalent to canine teeth in an ungulate mouth, perhaps no to unfamiliar to how camels have rather shape front teeth in an otherwise ungulate mouth . This is what I feel as phantom teeth in my mouth. On a rare time and again, I will have cloven hooves over laying our human feet or hands while fronting as well making them feel stiff and heavy. Phantom hooves most occur along my hands making the nimbleness of my human hands feel out of sync.

I don’t have any past life memories at all. None that I have been able to uncover at least at this point in my life if there are actually any at all anyway. I’m still not sure if my being a unicorn is due to a past life or not though I have not ruled it out neither. I do lean on my nature being more spiritually based with some psychological components, but I’m not convinced of it. When I come across wilderness which really strongly draws out my unicorn nature over all these human instinctive mannerisms and ways of thinking, it is often because it reminds me of our home in our innerworld rather than a place I once lived if that were the case for me. Lush and missy forest and fields is what draws to me as a unicorn. Our innerworld within this body is home to me as being a unicorn. Having our physical body in a place like our innerworld just reminds me of how I am on the inside of this body and on the outside in our innerworld and brings that out.

The mentally how I am as a unicorn is hard to describe. I can say that my mindset as a unicorn, if without this human brain making me think more like a human, my mindset would certainly be something certainly nonhuman and even bestial in some respects. For myself as a unicorn my mental experiences, while there is a high amount of instinct there, there is still some sort of complex thinking still. Perhaps this sense of awareness and intelligence of maybe something akin to an elephant in some ways though perhaps not as intelligent as that. However the aims of that complex thoughts isn’t toward problem solving as much as the awareness for the world around me. Even though I am similar to a deer or antelope in appearance and in certain characteristics, I don’t have an innate wariness of possible danger like deer behave. I’m not as inclined to get suspicious of what be around me. My mentality is outside a sort of idea of a ‘food chain’ really it seems.

There are little things and action creep out into me at times. This goes beyond just phantom sensations and changes in mentality. These are actions and instincts. The instinct to face threats with my face forward and my forehead bent down as if I was still a unicorn and I was still pointing horn at a threat ready to use it. I also have the instinct to be a kicker. I use my legs a lot in emotion and tend to do a lot of kicking out and stomping to make a point or move things. When being tender and trying to be gentle I have the urge to touch them with my nose and forehead, to nuzzle them.

Something I do actually and really miss is how I walk and move in ‘my own body’ compared to our physical human one. I do often feel amiss in this human body compared to my unicorn body. I miss walking on all fours, more at a pace and gait best considered trotting and galloping then. I miss that ability to do so rather dearly actually while fronting. I miss that swiftness and power of my legs under me. My unicorn body in our innerworld does not run effortlessly in the least, but the effort needed in compression to my physical human body is still different. Different doesn’t mean its negative or bad, but it still can be a source of confusion and discomfort in places. I do feel a sense of body and species dysphoria, as well as gender dysphoria due to this physical human body compared to my innerworld unicorn body. I think the only reason I don’t hold much contempt over this body and its differences to my own body is because this body is merely a physical shell to me. I have this body but this body isn’t me.
Further, there is the song. Well, the instinct and the urge to sing anyway. Like with how many song birds sing their tune and how wolves want to howl, I’ve always felt I want to bring a song similar to a flute being played from my horn. A strong urge and desire to sing out a tune from within my horn. This is another instinct and drive I have. It’s a way that I would communicate and add meaning to body language, but the human body can’t make clue noises of course.

This is how I see myself as a unicorn and the overview of some of the most common ways my unicorn identity effects me in daily life. I see myself as still a unicorn on the inside but my physical human body is human. I have no illusions to the reality of the world outside this body. I know I am physically human. Mentally and spiritually though I am a unicorn. Knowing how the physical world isn’t does stop the mental effects I feel and have. I am still a unicorn in my mind.

- Spiridon

Date First Written: February 2012; Last Updated: October 2012

Adlet. Kind of a weird word that is suppose to mean of a quiet literal half man and half dog creature from Inuit folklore. Upper body of a man, lower body of a dog. Adlet being a creature of Inuit folklore and so never possibly ever existing in anyway not to mention they are humanoid to boot, one would think I would feel most at home with the otherkin community of all the various kintypes and topics. Yet… I’ve always enjoyed the therian community more than the otherkin community though and felt more closely related to their experiences. I agree with more of the focus of interest of in the therian community more than the otherkin community, since every community has a culture unique to them and the therian and otherkin community still have a slightly twinge of differing community set-ups. Mostly because I don’t think of myself as being mythical as my experiences are so… dog-like really. 

I don’t identify with the stereotypes associated with being otherkin of a non-therianthropic sort. How my identity presents is actually more like the stereotypes for therians thru and thru really. I’m very animalistic with how my identity ticks and runs. While, I believe I am nonhuman because of something to do with my soul but I don’t actively believe or think about in astral planes or dimensions, and I have no past life memories to talk about. I also can’t talk about the folklore around what I label myself to be because there is so little about them and they don‘t really interest me much. The folklore of the adlet is one thing, but that is not ‘me.’ I am not a story or a past experience, I am canine like creature with a human body. I’ve seen how sometimes dragon and gryphon people can get away with calling themselves therian specifically rather than just general being otherkin due how their identity presents and/or feel more comfortable and familiar around therian communities than general otherkin ones. I am similar to that really, though it pains me sometimes that I can’t be afforded the same consideration. They see my humanoid looking form and scoff at the idea of me ever experiencing anything to the due they do. Sometimes I do think I would call myself an adlet therian if I could get away with it, but in the measure all of us in our system are more ‘therianthropic’ then some therians like to stereotype the rest of otherkin to be. 

I think if I hadn’t been born as part of a multiple system, I might have very easily mistaken myself some kind of a sled dog or maybe a feral dog therian. A lot of my experiences and habits are very dog-like. Without our innerworld, I wouldn’t have known so much about my nonhumanness near as well from the start. I would have had to work much more on my experiences and feelings to find out what I am, rather than going on my innerworld body plus my experiences and go forward and try and find a name for what I am. Even then, it wasn’t easy since our innerworld has a lot of flexibility in what we can do and what we look like until we decide the exacts at which point things settle down.

I identify with sled dogs as I am basically a feral sled dog with a more humanoid upper body. An adlet looks human-ish from the top up and so they do a few things human-like buts its not without the dog-ish looks on top of dog-like things right in there. Some kind of sled dog might not be my theriotype to me, but I identify with sled dogs through my kintype. That body type, mannerisms and behaviors, fur coat, and natural breed origins - sings for me I guess you could say. Not as I am one of them but like they are cousins to me. I identify with their vaguely lupine features, but not with the wholly wildness of actual wolves. Actual wild canines seem too serious and fully wild while I feel more puppy-like, laidback, and sort of domesticated. Something in-between the needs and desires for nature and the comfortableness with some urbanization of mankind.

Unlike a number of others in our system, my natural nonhuman mentality doesn’t loose complete critical and complex thinking when I slip away from the influence of our human body and brain. The thought process are really different though. A lot of more abstract ideas like math or numbers beyond counting with just a quick look, language beyond the most basic phrases, ideas of worrying about the far past or far future, and such go out the window but I don’t loose total loss of some higher thinking like self-awareness, critical thinking skills like cause and effect, and such. I guess, even if I wasn’t otherkin that wouldn’t be to surprising since studies show different species of nonhuman animals have different forms of thinking. I actually want to speak in growls, whines, hisses, and clicking-like yips along with using body language heavily. In our innerworld, even though my mouth is human-like I can’t speak a human tongue even there - only make the sounds and body language you might hear from a canine. My head and chest might be humanoid, but internally its like my vocal cords are still canine. Both in our innerworld and by my instincts I use or want to use sounds not words. Sounds that are mostly dog-like, and what human-ish words I could get out would unusually sound more along the tones of those dogs you see in videos that can ’speak’ - only one or two gruffs or howls that sound like a word or phrase. An reflex to use my body to communicate but in ‘standard’ ways. I do use hands for communications but not in the same way - like when I point rather than using a finger I use more like my whole arm or my head. Head stilts and posturing most people around me don’t get the message, and they don’t get why I reactively make so many ’strange’ sounds. In our system, I’m as dependant on our mental link to get worded meaning across to others in our system as anyone else.

I think the only big thing I don’t get that I know Mist Weaver, Earth Listener, Spiridon, and Pantairin get is the mental weirdness over walking upright rather than on all four. Talking about the whole range of the human foot is something I do have mental weirdness but only Pantairin and Spiridon seems to share this kind of discomfort with me. Unlike them my kin can naturally walk upright however my anatomy is still like a dog’s. Sometimes I think it throws me off more while controlling our human body because its so similar in that one way with still one big difference. With them going from there awareness of their innerworld body to our human one the difference is so over welling they’ve learned to reorient themselves after. For me, it sneaks up on me and catch myself trying to walk digitigrade or tumbling over our own feet because they stick out so much more from what I’m used to.

My phantom limbs focus on my most nonhuman traits. Whenever I front I get the felling of my large pointed ears on my head and from my waist down the feeling of the rest of me with a lot of focus on my tail and legs from the calf down to my toes. I also get feelings of  pawpads with thick dull claws on my hand, my canine teeth in my otherwise human mouth, and wisps of fur along my elbows and down my back, but they’re not that common. Maybe just every once in a while. No matter what is the phantom they are always very vivid whereas others’ phantom experiences may or may not be as strong.  My tail wags all the time and ears twitch with every thought - the phantom going along with what I‘m doing inworld. A weird mix of traits that are ’humanoid’ and ’dog’ naturally all in one.

I’m at home away from urban living. In folklore, adlet were spoken of from the tribes found in the northern part of North America but I actually don’t like the cold that much. Course, not all of the Northern lands is nothing but ice and snow so much out of the year. I love snow and romping in it but I don’t like the cold or being cold, maybe because our human body does have fur like I‘m used too. I still prefer cool to the hot summer though. I don’t do well in summer heat. I like forests and plains. The sounds of heavy urbanization drains me down and it takes natural places to recharge me back up. 

I have a hunting instinct of sorts but its not as developed as how it is for Zedjeb, Earth Listener, and everyone else. Kind of like how a domestic dog sometimes chases and hunts; a lot of my instincts focus first on the chase but not as much for the final kill as strongly as others. Movement and animals talking off running can trigger me into wanting to chase but my instinct for the final takedown isn’t as fully formed where as Zeoriel and a lot of the others in our system have the full instinct to down the prey and eating of the kill. Smaller animals when they start moving is what really catches my eye, while larger and standing still not as much. 

I love running. The faster the better. Its sad that the human body can’t run as fast as I could. It tires to easily too. Its actually saddening and even a little weird because it does so fast. I want to go but I can’t. Everyone in our system often tease me about how much like to do on “walks.” I do really. I love strolls or going to the park or other more natural areas. Its so stereotypical for a dog, but I love it nonetheless.

So being an adlet but with a human body is a bit strange. I act like a dog and generally look like a dog though one that has been made to look kind of humanoid up top. In my dreams and my shifts it really shows. I think of wandering about shorelines with a pack trying to hunt down something to eat. The idea of snow, something not so nice to hunt in I’m sure, but still exciting to see none the less. Like some kind of dog born semi-feral but know lives domestically. You get to enjoy things you likely would not have enjoyed at all if you had been your theriotype. I can enjoy the idea of hunting and romping around now. In some ways maybe growing up human but identify as adlet has ‘tamed’ me for sure in that respect in how I treat my canine tendencies and behaviors. Softened me up a bit in how I react to the world.  

So I don’t consider myself that much different from dog therians. I’m not one, I’m still an adlet; but I can identify with what dog therians say and experience. I identify with them more than any kind of grouping of otherkin I can really think of or have seen. So humanoid I might be but not human-like in how I want to think or act. I might have a humanoid body from the waist-up but I still have dog legs from the waist down. I’m still not human but I’m also not a dog, but I feel and want to behave more like a canine then I ever have a human. So I side with dog therians a tad more. 

- Lunatani

Date First Written : January 2012

I. Introduction
The otherkin and therian communities both online throughout places on the internet and offline where people meet-up and know other ‘kin in real-life can be a very diverse group. Yet one way to divide otherkin and therians which leaves very few people still is to note all the aquatic and water-related theriotypes and kintypes. They collectively are not common, or at least not as common as land based kintypes. Within the therianthropy community - sharks, fish, seals, and even dolphins let alone other animals are not all common in terms of numbers in most online forums. Similarly, in the otherkin community - dragons inclined to water and sea serpents, mermaids, undines, and such - while having been in the community a number of times over the years are also not very common overall.

Having desires and wants more akin to their given kintypes and/or theriotype is not unheard of among many therians and otherkin to lesser or greater extents. However, given the nature of human society and the physiology of the human body, being kin to any creature more at home in water than land can leave a slightly different set of challenges to adapt to and live with. Living on land or even possibly living nowhere near a large body of natural water, can possibly leave any given person frustrated at being away from their desired place. It can be hard of any therian or otherkin no matter what they identify as being and if any given place or habitat tugs at their heart.   

This essay is a listing and description of ways which have helped both myself and Earth Listener over time with craving and wanting for the sea, and what we  have heard from other aquatic kin. It’s a hope that this might come in useful for other otherkin or at least be an interesting read for other people on this topic. May it either be useful as it is or a brainstorming jumping off point.


II. Touch
Its not always possible to go swimming or even take a long soaking bath or shower every time one got the urge or need for ones natural element. For the latter, while one’s cleanliness will never be questioned again, the subsequent water bill will surely make it impractical for this coping technique to be used every single time. Going swimming is also nice, but not everyone has access to either a swimming pool or natural body of water were swimming is permitted and/or safe. This can be do to either distance, financial constrains, or limitations of the local area. Other physical methods are also possible that could be useful in-between.

One thing I have used to a nice effect is that of taking a cool wet rag or simply a wetted hand across the skin. It can be a great way to stave a need for water indeed. Plus it is a lot more subtle, quick, and easy then a full drenching no matter where and when the need for water rises in most cases and it can still have rather soothing effects. This might be especially nice on areas where phantom sensations are such as phantom gills or fins are coming from, at least in my own and earth Listener’s experience. Leaving the water on the skin to slowly evaporate on it own can help.

Another touch related tip is to try running your hand (or hands) through water, running or still. (Though for us, still water seems to work better for us.) Perhaps dipping your fingers or whole hand in a bowl or glass full of water for a moment might help sooth some desires for water for a little while. An alternative to their might be soaking your feet instead.

Actually being able to visit natural bodies of water of any form no matter the kintype is often a wonderful experience. Whether it be a stream, pond, river, or even the greatest place to find water - the ocean. Even if you can’t physically take a dip or wade into the water for whatever reason, just being near the water and experiencing it can be a great thing. Being able to see, hear, smell, and touch the water can be enough for some.


III. Sight
For techniques using the gift of sight perhaps give guided visualizations of swimming in or being in water a try. For added effect try compounding senses by doing such visualizations while listening to any given preferred track of ocean or water sounds or while relaxing in a bath or standing in a shower.

Daydreaming or anything that stimulates a sense of sight or being there can be very useful if water isn’t near or available at any point in time.  If you have trouble visualizing a detailed scene or places try using photos or videos of watery places which you are strongly drawn to. Try visualizing yourself into the scene itself rather than working with a blank slate and see if that makes it easier on you or is more rewarding.

Even just watching videos of aquatic life can be fruitful. Either of general life or specific to creatures more relevant to you identity. If you are a therian of a still living species finding video of your theriotype might be easier top find than and otherkin or therian of an extinct species might have. In those cases, trying to find videos of creatures similar enough either in appearance or behavior might work. For example, given their size and ways of hunting, large toothed whale are creatures which can pull certain strings of emotion and instinct while watching videos of them since taniwha are not physical Earth creatures.

There are countless written material - fiction and nonfiction alike based around watery bodies and their inhabitants. Reading stories and accounts of aquatic life can be a great release of emotions and thoughts. We have heard from at least two aquatic kindred who have found the book, The Music of the Dolphin, despite being more of a children’s book, to be rather moving for aquatic therians due to being about a feral child raised by dolphins who desires the ocean and her family again. We have personally found the manga series, Children of the Sea, to be incredibly moving to our otherkinity due its amazing graphics of ocean life as well as its themes of people being linked to the story. Of course nonfiction works have their mystique and can draw out and fulfill some things for possibly on aquatic ’kin. Books about life underwater can be a completing outlet. For example, we own one little book, The Majesty and Mystery of the Sea: A Photographic Celebration of the Marine Environment, which is full of ocean photographs coupled with quotes and proverbs about the sea and aquatic life there. The photographs are beautiful and the words inspiring.

Keeping a plant or fish aquarium might also be a lovely idea though not everyone has the time or money to care for other living beings. However the sounds of water falling and the sight of fish swimming and/or live plants waving slightly can be beneficial to the psyche.


IV. Hearing
One might be the use of sounds. There are countless tracks of ocean waves, babbling brooks, whale songs, and other aquatic related sounds. Play around with sounds which influence you the most, for example, both Earth Listener and I enjoy the rolling lull of water currents but not so much the sounds of crashing waves on a shore. Try listening to something while relaxing or even trying to sleep, they might even influence your dreams to involve a body of water even.

For more permit sounds in daily life, there are indoor or desk water fountains. They come in all sort of shapes and sizes and can produce a nice present background sound. They are not mobile however a place in a bedroom, on an office desk, or simply nearby where a lot of time is spent can be something to listen to throughout the time you are within hearing range.

There are some songs and hymns which either is about water or involves a water-like effect in the tune itself if not both for the same song. For example, the orchestral song, “Rain” from the soundtrack of the movie Spirit: Stallion of the Cimmerian involves a very aquatic feel within its tune as does the song “Hymn to the Sea” from the soundtrack for the movie, Titanic. A song which involves both lyrics about the ocean that also has a nice aquatic-vibe to the overall music is the song “Emocean” by Lunatica. Songs either of orchestral or lyrical could have soothing effects on one’s desire for water as well.


V. Smell
The smell of cool humid air can have a very soothing effect. Anything from an actual humidifier to a simple misting bowl or fountain as they are sometimes called. Smelling and feeling the extra hint of moister can be very nice to breather in. It can also be very refreshing during the time of the year when the humidity is low.

Also, there are various fragrance oils, forms of incense, and even perfumes which have been created to have salty or aquatic scents to them which might be appealing to burn (or in the case of perfume wear). We do not wear perfume ourselves that much, but we have been told by elinox that the Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab’s Pool of Tears and Deep Ones are very nice. After she suggested it, I have also have tried BPAL’s Pool of Tears which I found it amazing especially because of its salty smell which really did help. I also personally love to burn fragrance oil and my own favorites scents form the brand we buy are called Oceanic and Rain which have smells that remind me of water quiet nicely indeed.


VI. Taste
Something as simple as taking a sip of water could help. Actual water rather than carbonated beverages and such tend to give the best effects for both myself and Earth Listener. Not only does having the taste of water in our mouth make us feel better but a keeping our body adequately hydrated helps keep down the drive for water. We tend to feel our best when very hydrated both physically and mentally and the fact we are drinking nice cool water actually does seem to hit a sweet spot in our nonhuman aquatic identities.

Ice is a nice cooling treat to let melt in your mouth. Just DON’T try and chew or bite down on it - you can damage your teeth! Also always be wary of the possibly swallowing the piece of ice on accident. As to avoid chewing or swallowing as well as making sucking and licking ice easier to manage, there are reusable popsicle trays that can be bought (or made by using a standard ice tray plus use toothpicks or similar) and filled with water to let freeze.


VII. Conclusion
Being kin to any creature at home in the water can be something in which coping and calming techniques, or even trigger techniques, can end up being rather inventive and quirky compared to others though not to say aquatic kin have it any harder than any other otherkin regardless of kintypes or theriotypes. Its merely different perspective just as kin that are at home in the air might be able to find similar enjoyments. Every kind of otherkin, and down to the individual in fact, has things which work for them which might not help anyone else. Its my hope that is essay works as a brainstorming for others to work with. Its my hope these ideas and things we have found useful to be useful or helpful for others.

- Aquasarius

Date First Written : January 2012

My theriotype and my true self is one of no distinct species, but rather many into one instead. A collective or all in one deal, if you will. In the innerworld I share with my fellow headmates (other individual persons sharing one physical body) and outwardly in my therianthropic experiences my shape can take on any number of deer species. In this innerworld, or the place within our mental landscape where we interact one on one like individuals, I can change into any species of deer. But only a deer and nothing more. Likewise, what the therian community refers to as shifts and other therianthropic experiences when I take control of our physical body.

As a deer cladotherian, I identify with all deer species from the small tropical pudú stepping about the underbrush to the great moose that roams the northern lands. This is not limited to modern or still living species of deer and rather extends to even now extinct ones. I do have my favorite deer forms, and my shape in the innerworld and fronting experiences often reflect this though the species I reflect is not always of my conscious choosing. Of these deer species which are some of my more partial to my liking to take on include the sika deer, roe deer, Eld’s deer, and reindeer. They are but only a few deer species in the world however. They are just the deer species which are most familiar and typical from me both innerworld in shape and through my therian experiences they are the most prevent. Other deer species from the axis deer to the sambar to the white-tailed deer are also taken or can be on a fairly regular basis. Of them all, sika deer stands out strongly to me.

In the beginning, being a cladotherian did not even come into being in my thoughts as possibility. My original assumption was either the presence of several deer theriotypes (polytherianthropy), and/or simply some of them being cameo shifts with various deer species and one or perhaps two of them was actually my theriotype(s). Before cladotherianthropy came-up as a possibility I had applied to my being a number of deer species which I was most drawn into. I leapt between thinking I was one deer species to another deer species day by day. Being fairly sure of one deer species and being able to apply that shape onto my innerworld world body so easily, only for me to be able to so change to another deer species. By the time cladotherianthropy came into suspect, I had found myself labeled with no less than five species while also not being able to ignore all other deer.

The prospect of being a polymorph or shapeshifter never really came to mind since I knew I was a deer and only experienced things as only deer. It was vary narrowed down to a select spectrum and it was only the deer species that changed but never the identification with it. With the idea of being cladotherian in mind I began searching for any mention of the term and ponderings on the matter throughout the communities online. Finding personal experiences from others about their own cladotherianthropy was hard to come by making my search on being cladotherian or not more apprehensive. Yet the definitions I saw of the term certainly did apply quite nicely to my experiences. Every time I looked afar along the deer family, everywhere I looked I could only find something within myself for every deer I came across. It was looking into a mirror, and all I saw was myself reflected back in some curious way. It was not about being undeceive on a species, but rather being sure of being one with a group of related animals. It wasn’t that I could not decide of what I was, as much as I was actually all ready there. Bending to the deer species as nimbly as water flowing into a space. And so, as it was, I came to the decision I was a cladotherian of all Cervidae.

Some general nonhuman experiences, not related to shifts, that I have include a verity of little nuances in my perspective every time I front. For instance, I get confused when I see my physical self in a mirror and see not another face and features of any fort at home on the face of any deer. Human hands feel so wiry and awkward to me and walking upright is strikingly ungainly in my mind compared to the nimble legs of a deer. I find the limitations of human ears disconcerting and the physical human body’s lack of natural alertness and natural response to the outside environment startling at times. The lack of perception to the human body most unnerving above all. I’m not prey. I don’t think of myself as ’prey.’ I only worry about becoming prey if I do not stay aware.

The outward reflection of my identity of what the therian community commonly refers to as shifts greatly reflects this all deer species conclusion of mine. My dreams, mental, and phantom shifts certainly can take almost any cervine shape and nature. That is not to mention my ability to take on any form that was of a deer sort within our innerworld.

My dreams related to my identity and their content varies as much as the deer that roam this little blue dot of a planet. Some of my more common dreams include roaming the grounds on our near a Buddhist temples or Shinto shrine as a sika deer, likely brought on for my path to being a Buddhist. Other dreams include other distinct landscapes from walking on snow and ice on large hooves but not feeling the bite of the chill while being a reindeer to stepping through a hot rainforest on little hooves and small body as a brocket deer. Perhaps due to my lack of fronting and using the body as often as others in our system, my dream self hardly takes on a human form since I’m a lot more unfamiliar with it. I do not remember much of my dreams often however so they are not a major significance, but they occur.

My mindset away from or toward a more human way of thinking is largely caused by environmental triggers and how long I’ve been fronting. I’m naturally in the mindset of a deer and it’s only when I front for an extended and consistent period of time that my mindset moves away from my instinctive worries as one. Otherwise, I remain in a more deer minded way of thinking and acting though not enough to prevent me from not being able to act human enough to keep up our mask while control our physical body. I’ve not yet had a shift while fronting in which I become completely of a deer mindset without much of the common trappings of human fringes, but I have had times while not fronting where I’ve slipped into a mental shift and purely enjoyed being a deer. Most of us in our system revert to a slightly more human mindset naturally while fronting and then revert back to our more natural state rather quickly after removing ourselves from control of the body. My own cervine mentality is subject to the deer species I am. As a larger deer species such as the Irish elk or moose I am much less likely to be flighty in certain situations while as much smaller deer species I might be even more flighty or nervous toward a lot of activity or movement.

Phantom shifts are one of my most common experiences while I front. Antlers are of course my trademark above all else really. The anthers on my head (or the tusks in my mouth in some cases) very with species and time of year. They may arch backward and then curve around forward with single tines like the antlers of a white-tail, fork near the brow with one going forward and the other curving backward and up with a few tines like an axis deer, they may be a single small spike like a muntjac, or any other formation. The stage of my antlers varies with the species of deer depending on what is natural for them, though generally during the late summer to early fall is when many antlers I might have itch terribly as the velvet falls off to reveal hardened bone only to fall off/disappear from my experience during late winter to early spring to begin a cycle of new growth. If I change from a deer species that has lost their antlers to one that still has their antlers at that certain time of the year or the reverse my phantom antlers will appear or disappear. Regardless, once they are fully grown some antlers become quiet heavy even if they are only phantoms on our human head, however thank goodness my phantom shifts are comparable to human size whether that causes the antlers to be scaled up for smaller deer or scaled down for larger deer species. Only lager antlers (even sized down for human size) tend to cause me trouble due to the bit of stain they put on our physical human neck despite not being there, and their size getting in the way of movement through human obstacles even if they are not there. The worst are the antlers from the Irish Elk, however due to their wide and great size I avoid that form if I can while fronting if I can.  Hooves also sometimes slip through though more on our feet than hands. Once on our human legs they feel akin to the fauns or satyrs of mythology but instead of cloven hooves I feel the shape of deer hooves with the illusion ending just before the knees. I don’t often get phantom hooves on our hands and they are not as vivid as the hooves that can appear on our feet. Those phantom hooves end just past the wrist and just leave me want to carry our middle and index fingers together and our pinky and ring finger together.

My antlers are actually the biggest paradox of my identity because my antlers tell lies about my gender. I am female by identity and my body innerworld reflects this yet as I‘ve already described I annually grow and shed antlers or have tusks akin to any male from any given species even if the female of the species do not naturally have antlers. Regardless to what species I take on, my antlers (or tusks in the case of some species) will look accordingly to the times of the year for that male kind. The reason why this is so and why my head aligns with male deer is a mystery no matter what I try and make of it. It is not unheard for does, even fully fertile ones of many deer species, to grow antlers if their hormones levels, specifically testosterone, are high enough at the right points of the year. In some species of deer it is actually generally more heard of then in other deer species, as its been noted as happening to roe and red deer with some commonality. These occasions are uncommon though overall for the annual years throughout a doe’s life. The most common form of antlered does are does with mere numbs of their head or even with small poorly developed antlers (Wislocki). It is rarer for antlered does to reach the final stage of fully mature antlers with no velvet due to the number of hormone surges it takes to reach the final stage (DePerno and Jenks). Of course, my innerworld is hardly limited by actual hormones. Never-the-less, I grow antler‘s like any make deer even though my femaleness is not in question to me.

Being a deer cladotherian, rather than a certain species of deer therian, might actually explain why I am female yet grow antlers akin to a male deer. Since if my identity is the overall nature of all deer, it seems much more reasonable that I have antlers since they are such a part of the whole biological family Cervidae. Antlers are a trait of the Cervidae though not all species have them (some have tusks instead) and usually only males annually grow them. Does, just as bucks, can grow antlers and it’s only their pheromones which create the necessary barrier. My identity doesn’t have a gender. I have a gender, and since my identity is so encompassing of all traits and natures of all deer rather than defined by a gender or species, antlers (and tusks) seem a logical addition to my daily life as a deer cladotherian. Other than that possible explanation, I have no others. Some things are just as they are without a good solid or known explanation.

Works Cited

      DePerno, Christopher, and Jonathan Jenks. "Field Notes: Antlered Does." Minnesota Department Of Natural Resources. Minnesota Conservation Volunteer, 2004. Web. 9 Nov 2011. <http://www.dnr.state.mn.us/volunteer/mayjun04/fndoes.html>.

      Wislocki, George B. "Antlers In Female Deer, With Report pf Three Cases In. Odocoileus." Journal of Mammalogy. 3.4 (1954): n. page. Print. <http://www.jstor.org/pss/1375571>.

- Pantairin

This is House of Chimeras, and this our dreamwidth account. We also have a livejournal account as well, but we decided to get a DW account to keep tabs over here as well.

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For information on what is normally posted on this journal, please see the profile page and the tag list for details. Normally we talk about our daily experiences with being part of a multiple system, our therianthropy/otherkinity, our alterative spiritualities, our gender/body dysmorphia, and such.