A Wolf in Mind
13 November 2012 07:25 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
houseofchimerasDescription: A red wolf therian has deep mental shift in the privacy of the backyard one night.
Date First Written : September 2008
I turned to look at the clock on my nightstand by my bed which now read 11:38 at night, only to turn my head back to my TV set and continue to flip through channels. I was anxious that weekend night. Not, an anxiety anxious, but an antsy and energetic anxious. I was full of a energy that just wouldn’t settle and set like the sun. In fact, it had started to creep in as the sun was almost gone from sight and as the night came on it had been growing stronger by the minute. I kept flipped through the channels but nothing was really on. I didn’t want to watch TV nor did I feel like doing anything like that really at all. I growled lightly to myself.
I sat-up in my bed where I had been laying while watching TV and stretched. I looked at the clock again and then back at the TV one more time before I got up walked over to turned it off. My room instantly went dark and silent. The only faint light to see with came from my window that still had the blinds open showing off our backyard.
I went to my window and looked out. I sighed quietly after a moment as I saw the calm night sky behind the darker outline of the trees two from our yard and a number of others from our neighbors but I couldn’t see the rest of their yards because of our privacy fence. From the window I could not see the sky well because of the house overhang and the trees, but what I could see of it was a clear, beautiful cloudless night sky. It was a beautiful early fall night. The weather had been beautiful the past few days like this with the temperature being perfect as far as I was concerned.
Thinking of and seeing the outdoors made me feel something well up in my chest. I felt the strong urge to howl right then and there, but I kept my mouth shut and silent. I wanted to howl but my howling might wake my parents up if I wasn‘t careful. That was the last thing I wanted and needed. I would rather not try and explain why I was howling let alone having to explain my therianthropy to them. That last thing was the last thing I wanted really, telling them their dear child of 17 years was actually a red wolf with a human body. My parents worrying over my last year of high school was enough for me to deal with. So instead I simply closed my window blinds, and slipped out of my room without a sound.
The rest of the house was dark and still of course. I walked across the house to my parent’s room and stopped at door. The door was open slightly as it usually was. I listened for a comment to make sure they were sleep. Satisfied with not hearing anything, I turned and walked down the hall, through the house and to the back door and flicked on the switch would turn on the patio lights. Quietly and slowly I turned the lock before doing the same for the doorknob. Moving slowly so I would make as little sound as possible. Then, I quietly pulled the door open. Next, I pushed the latch down and pushed on the storm door to open it as well.
Calmly, I stepped out into the night onto the patio in just night shirt and shorts with my bare feet. The warm night air rapped around and embraced me like a welcoming blanket happy to greet me once more. The night air felt so good and refreshing in my lungs that it almost felt like I hadn’t really breathed in for a very long time. I suddenly felt like my body no longer felt so bent-out-of-shape. It was like the night was drawing out and erasing all the stress and worry that had built-up in my system over the pass few days. My body relaxed and my muscles didn’t feel so tight. It all disappeared like a big, much needed sigh.
The light from the patio loosely lit up much of the backyard at least faintly if not more. Plus turning on the patio lights also flipped the garden lights which stood in the gardens around the back of house. They all provided plenty of light to see by as far as I was concerned no matter where I was in the backyard.
I walked forward and then stepped out into the cool, damp grass and earth beneath my feet. The backyard was kept well by my mother and the off and on rains for a two weeks a week before had greened up what the summer had nearly killed. The feeling of the grass and dirt on my toes felt great. For now there was no more shoes, no more carpet, no hard floor, no concrete- just earth and plants. So, I stepped out into the back yard to get a better view around me.
The smells of the still night filled my nose. The smell of lush grass, of the moisture in the air, the trees, the earth beneath me- everything around me that the human nose could just pick-up. Plus, the sounds of the night filled my ears - the sound of crickets chirping and other insects, of the light breeze, of leaves softly moving, and such plus the occasional sound of a car far off in the distance. I felt the ever steady earth below me, the calm air floating around me, the damp grass as well.
I felt the same certain feeling as before began to well up in my chest. I looked around for a moment, not that I would see anything. Everyone was asleep and the houses near ours were not super close. I thought as long as I wasn’t too loud about… So I let it do, a simple howl. Not as good as my kind could do or what I could do if I had the right skin, but I was good for having human vocal cords I guess. It felt so good to howl, even if I had to keep it down a notch. It felt good to be able to howl, even if no one would answer like I would want them too.
It was at this point, as I stood there I felt my mind begin to relax. That a kind of tension and stress in my mind was ebbing and easing away. That my brain began to become numb inside as any worded inner dialogue in my mind shut down. Slowly from the outside and top of my mind downward and inward gently, and smoothly went into a numb rest while for a few brief moments a faint echo of static filled the numbing part of my mind. When my whole mind was numb the faint static completely ebbed away as my head began to feel abnormal heavy and weighted out. My worded thoughts became silent and were replaced with a silent knowing as something from deep depths of my mind came flowing into my consciousness and took-up every part of my mind. A wild presence, I guess I could say.
My human way of thinking know seemed to sleep, allowing my wolf way of thinking to awaken and roam the confines of my consciousness. My mind filled with canid instincts and mannerisms many times stronger then what was normal and everyday for me. I became more silently aware of my surroundings. I felt even more self aware of my body and it’s movements. I hadn’t expected to have such a deep and strong mental shift but at that point in time wondering about it was beyond me.
I sat down in in grass on my lower legs with my feet pointing backward and away me and my arms now acting like forelegs as they set out in front of me as I sat there. I sat the way I did without any forethought or positioning; I had just sat down. My mind did what it could with the limits of my body.
My senses had also seemingly changed. My sense of smell and hearing seemed stronger then they normal because I was really paying attention to every little sound rather then ignoring much of it. I could hear the faint breeze, the slight tremble of the grass, and other faint sounds normally over looked. I smelled the trees form nearby, the smell of grass, and of more familiar smells that I usually didn’t pay as much attention too.
Along with my now very different perceptions of the world around me and my senses I also felt new sensations as well. On my head I felt the spectral sensations of wolfish phantom ears, at the base of my spine I felt a the ghostly sensation of a lupine bushy tail, on my face and I felt a phantom wolfish muzzle. They felt like they were real to me, but they couldn’t be seen. Course, not the fact they couldn’t be seen crossed my mind given my altered state of consciousness. I could move them and feel them against my real human body. My phantom tail lay draped across the ground at rest as I sat, while my phantom ears twitched and moved slightly with my emotions. From my phantom tail I could feel the damp and cool grass around me. Through my wolf ears I could feel the light breeze wave across them and feel my human hair against them. I could feel the nostrils of my phantom muzzle expanding and relaxing slightly as if actually taking in air as I breathed in. I could feel my phantom muzzle’s lips twitching and curling slightly as my expression changed slightly from my emotions and thoughts. They might as well as actually been there as far as what they felt to me.
I didn’t contemplate or think about my new state of mind at all. I simply accepted it all as it was for that was in my lupine mind’s nature right then. My nature. To take things as they were, except them, and move on to other things. My mind still thought but the dialogue in my head when I was of a human state of mind was gone. No silent words spoke out my thoughts, no words at all. My emotions, memories, and feeling were the only thing silently racing and bouncing around my head. They were what I thought with now. They made-up my thoughts. I comprehended my surroundings with them. That was my nature. The idea of any complex problem solving or philosophical thinking was beyond this state of mind of mine right then.
I sniffed the air intently for a moment, taking in as much of the smells floating gently and freely on the breeze. Scents I hadn’t even realized floating in the air were all clearer to me now. I dipped my head down to the grass and let my nose to the ground to smell what had settled to the earth.
I stood up but not on my human hind legs but on all fours, my hands and feet. This stance seemed more natural to me. It seemed like even if I had tried to stand up straight I wouldn’t have been able to keep myself up state for long, if at all given how deep my mental state was then. My new state of mind couldn’t of kept me standing up even if my still very human body could still easily achieve the stance. My mind, trying to think like a wolf would didn’t know that at that time.
In this state I found myself walking with ease and self-confidence about the yard at that point. I walked with the heels of my feet off the ground and with most of the palms of my hand off the ground as I moved. It seemed natural to me. It was natural to me at that point, at least far more then standing upright let alone walking on my back legs. So I wandered about the backyard freely and at my own whim and leaser without another thought.
My phantom wolf ears twitched forward and my phantom nose at the end of my muzzle twitched with interest. I heard a gentle rustling coming from the other side of the fence. My phantom tail popped up as I sniffed the air and padded over closer. I stuck my head down to where the privacy fence met the ground but was shy of it by several inches. I leaned down close to it to smell, hear, and see better to see what was about. As I, in curiosity, move closer. I just barely caught sight of a small shape burst out of the bushes and as an annoyed meow called out. It was one of the neighbors out-door cats who was skittish people as a rule. In response I gave a quiet huffing woof and my tail wagged slightly.
After a moment or two went it became clear that the cat had wandered off, my phantom ears and tail relaxed down. So with that I stood back up from almost laying on my stomach and started to talk most of the length of the side of the fence for no real reason. The rest of the fence was much more flush with the ground and so I could not see anything along the ground.
A sudden whirring sound starting up made my head reactively in the direction of the sound even though I knew it was only the air conditioner unit turning on. My wag gave a short wag as my ears twitched once on my head. Even in the mental state I was in then I knew the sound was ignorable though in his state I couldn’t quite grasp nor actually care to think about way. It did and I didn’t have to worry about. Such was the mentally I was in right then.
I was still me and I still had all the memories that I was did, but some parts of my mind acted like they were shut down or not working like they might normally have. I remembered but that did mean I could comprehend or even think about everything that was there.
So I turned away from and kept wandering about the rest of the yard. After walking more into the center of the yard I looked more upward and into the dark outlines of the trees around. I didn’t near any birds or anything and the only reason the leaves stirred from time to time as from the wind only. Not seeing anything of too much interest I moved on from there.
As I moved and wandered about I would often phase for a second or two to listen to something - a far off car driving down a road, a dog barking somewhere off in the distance, or some other small sound that picked my lupine interest. I scented and smelled the grass many times even though my human nose wouldn’t really pick up much of anything, not that my wolf thinking mind really cared too much. I had no concept of the minute by minute time, only time as an ever going agent as I usually did not really deep mental shifts. I’m not sure how long I wandered about or just sat in the grass passively. I just moved freely about the yard.
Finally, sleep finally caught up with me and I grew tired as the energy that wanting to shift ran out on me. I finally started to feel like I could sleep. Without a second thought I wandered back up onto the patio. I looked at the back door and I knew it could open but felt no understanding or will to try and open it. My brain could not comprehend the idea of gripping my fingers around the knob or twist at all at that point. So instead I walked over to the outdoor coach nearby. It was a simple wicker coach with a comfortable cushion and a few pillows. I leapt onto the coach and laid myself down on my side with my head resting on my arms and a pillow and my legs curled up close to me.
Sleep came upon me quickly and in my dreams I ran as a wolf through never-ending forest. I slept soundly and didn’t wake until the sky had just barely started to grow slightly lighter. My mind was back to its normal human state once more as sleep had reset my mind to its ‘natural’ state. I remembered all of last nights events though they were slightly hazy in places like any other memory.
I quickly went inside and locked the door back behind me. I went strait into my bedroom to grab a change of cloths and then into the bathroom to take a good bath, making sire to really scrub my arms and legs. While finishing up in the bathroom I head the weekend alarm going off telling my parents it was the time they liked to/needed to get up.
Date First Written : September 2008
I turned to look at the clock on my nightstand by my bed which now read 11:38 at night, only to turn my head back to my TV set and continue to flip through channels. I was anxious that weekend night. Not, an anxiety anxious, but an antsy and energetic anxious. I was full of a energy that just wouldn’t settle and set like the sun. In fact, it had started to creep in as the sun was almost gone from sight and as the night came on it had been growing stronger by the minute. I kept flipped through the channels but nothing was really on. I didn’t want to watch TV nor did I feel like doing anything like that really at all. I growled lightly to myself.
I sat-up in my bed where I had been laying while watching TV and stretched. I looked at the clock again and then back at the TV one more time before I got up walked over to turned it off. My room instantly went dark and silent. The only faint light to see with came from my window that still had the blinds open showing off our backyard.
I went to my window and looked out. I sighed quietly after a moment as I saw the calm night sky behind the darker outline of the trees two from our yard and a number of others from our neighbors but I couldn’t see the rest of their yards because of our privacy fence. From the window I could not see the sky well because of the house overhang and the trees, but what I could see of it was a clear, beautiful cloudless night sky. It was a beautiful early fall night. The weather had been beautiful the past few days like this with the temperature being perfect as far as I was concerned.
Thinking of and seeing the outdoors made me feel something well up in my chest. I felt the strong urge to howl right then and there, but I kept my mouth shut and silent. I wanted to howl but my howling might wake my parents up if I wasn‘t careful. That was the last thing I wanted and needed. I would rather not try and explain why I was howling let alone having to explain my therianthropy to them. That last thing was the last thing I wanted really, telling them their dear child of 17 years was actually a red wolf with a human body. My parents worrying over my last year of high school was enough for me to deal with. So instead I simply closed my window blinds, and slipped out of my room without a sound.
The rest of the house was dark and still of course. I walked across the house to my parent’s room and stopped at door. The door was open slightly as it usually was. I listened for a comment to make sure they were sleep. Satisfied with not hearing anything, I turned and walked down the hall, through the house and to the back door and flicked on the switch would turn on the patio lights. Quietly and slowly I turned the lock before doing the same for the doorknob. Moving slowly so I would make as little sound as possible. Then, I quietly pulled the door open. Next, I pushed the latch down and pushed on the storm door to open it as well.
Calmly, I stepped out into the night onto the patio in just night shirt and shorts with my bare feet. The warm night air rapped around and embraced me like a welcoming blanket happy to greet me once more. The night air felt so good and refreshing in my lungs that it almost felt like I hadn’t really breathed in for a very long time. I suddenly felt like my body no longer felt so bent-out-of-shape. It was like the night was drawing out and erasing all the stress and worry that had built-up in my system over the pass few days. My body relaxed and my muscles didn’t feel so tight. It all disappeared like a big, much needed sigh.
The light from the patio loosely lit up much of the backyard at least faintly if not more. Plus turning on the patio lights also flipped the garden lights which stood in the gardens around the back of house. They all provided plenty of light to see by as far as I was concerned no matter where I was in the backyard.
I walked forward and then stepped out into the cool, damp grass and earth beneath my feet. The backyard was kept well by my mother and the off and on rains for a two weeks a week before had greened up what the summer had nearly killed. The feeling of the grass and dirt on my toes felt great. For now there was no more shoes, no more carpet, no hard floor, no concrete- just earth and plants. So, I stepped out into the back yard to get a better view around me.
The smells of the still night filled my nose. The smell of lush grass, of the moisture in the air, the trees, the earth beneath me- everything around me that the human nose could just pick-up. Plus, the sounds of the night filled my ears - the sound of crickets chirping and other insects, of the light breeze, of leaves softly moving, and such plus the occasional sound of a car far off in the distance. I felt the ever steady earth below me, the calm air floating around me, the damp grass as well.
I felt the same certain feeling as before began to well up in my chest. I looked around for a moment, not that I would see anything. Everyone was asleep and the houses near ours were not super close. I thought as long as I wasn’t too loud about… So I let it do, a simple howl. Not as good as my kind could do or what I could do if I had the right skin, but I was good for having human vocal cords I guess. It felt so good to howl, even if I had to keep it down a notch. It felt good to be able to howl, even if no one would answer like I would want them too.
It was at this point, as I stood there I felt my mind begin to relax. That a kind of tension and stress in my mind was ebbing and easing away. That my brain began to become numb inside as any worded inner dialogue in my mind shut down. Slowly from the outside and top of my mind downward and inward gently, and smoothly went into a numb rest while for a few brief moments a faint echo of static filled the numbing part of my mind. When my whole mind was numb the faint static completely ebbed away as my head began to feel abnormal heavy and weighted out. My worded thoughts became silent and were replaced with a silent knowing as something from deep depths of my mind came flowing into my consciousness and took-up every part of my mind. A wild presence, I guess I could say.
My human way of thinking know seemed to sleep, allowing my wolf way of thinking to awaken and roam the confines of my consciousness. My mind filled with canid instincts and mannerisms many times stronger then what was normal and everyday for me. I became more silently aware of my surroundings. I felt even more self aware of my body and it’s movements. I hadn’t expected to have such a deep and strong mental shift but at that point in time wondering about it was beyond me.
I sat down in in grass on my lower legs with my feet pointing backward and away me and my arms now acting like forelegs as they set out in front of me as I sat there. I sat the way I did without any forethought or positioning; I had just sat down. My mind did what it could with the limits of my body.
My senses had also seemingly changed. My sense of smell and hearing seemed stronger then they normal because I was really paying attention to every little sound rather then ignoring much of it. I could hear the faint breeze, the slight tremble of the grass, and other faint sounds normally over looked. I smelled the trees form nearby, the smell of grass, and of more familiar smells that I usually didn’t pay as much attention too.
Along with my now very different perceptions of the world around me and my senses I also felt new sensations as well. On my head I felt the spectral sensations of wolfish phantom ears, at the base of my spine I felt a the ghostly sensation of a lupine bushy tail, on my face and I felt a phantom wolfish muzzle. They felt like they were real to me, but they couldn’t be seen. Course, not the fact they couldn’t be seen crossed my mind given my altered state of consciousness. I could move them and feel them against my real human body. My phantom tail lay draped across the ground at rest as I sat, while my phantom ears twitched and moved slightly with my emotions. From my phantom tail I could feel the damp and cool grass around me. Through my wolf ears I could feel the light breeze wave across them and feel my human hair against them. I could feel the nostrils of my phantom muzzle expanding and relaxing slightly as if actually taking in air as I breathed in. I could feel my phantom muzzle’s lips twitching and curling slightly as my expression changed slightly from my emotions and thoughts. They might as well as actually been there as far as what they felt to me.
I didn’t contemplate or think about my new state of mind at all. I simply accepted it all as it was for that was in my lupine mind’s nature right then. My nature. To take things as they were, except them, and move on to other things. My mind still thought but the dialogue in my head when I was of a human state of mind was gone. No silent words spoke out my thoughts, no words at all. My emotions, memories, and feeling were the only thing silently racing and bouncing around my head. They were what I thought with now. They made-up my thoughts. I comprehended my surroundings with them. That was my nature. The idea of any complex problem solving or philosophical thinking was beyond this state of mind of mine right then.
I sniffed the air intently for a moment, taking in as much of the smells floating gently and freely on the breeze. Scents I hadn’t even realized floating in the air were all clearer to me now. I dipped my head down to the grass and let my nose to the ground to smell what had settled to the earth.
I stood up but not on my human hind legs but on all fours, my hands and feet. This stance seemed more natural to me. It seemed like even if I had tried to stand up straight I wouldn’t have been able to keep myself up state for long, if at all given how deep my mental state was then. My new state of mind couldn’t of kept me standing up even if my still very human body could still easily achieve the stance. My mind, trying to think like a wolf would didn’t know that at that time.
In this state I found myself walking with ease and self-confidence about the yard at that point. I walked with the heels of my feet off the ground and with most of the palms of my hand off the ground as I moved. It seemed natural to me. It was natural to me at that point, at least far more then standing upright let alone walking on my back legs. So I wandered about the backyard freely and at my own whim and leaser without another thought.
My phantom wolf ears twitched forward and my phantom nose at the end of my muzzle twitched with interest. I heard a gentle rustling coming from the other side of the fence. My phantom tail popped up as I sniffed the air and padded over closer. I stuck my head down to where the privacy fence met the ground but was shy of it by several inches. I leaned down close to it to smell, hear, and see better to see what was about. As I, in curiosity, move closer. I just barely caught sight of a small shape burst out of the bushes and as an annoyed meow called out. It was one of the neighbors out-door cats who was skittish people as a rule. In response I gave a quiet huffing woof and my tail wagged slightly.
After a moment or two went it became clear that the cat had wandered off, my phantom ears and tail relaxed down. So with that I stood back up from almost laying on my stomach and started to talk most of the length of the side of the fence for no real reason. The rest of the fence was much more flush with the ground and so I could not see anything along the ground.
A sudden whirring sound starting up made my head reactively in the direction of the sound even though I knew it was only the air conditioner unit turning on. My wag gave a short wag as my ears twitched once on my head. Even in the mental state I was in then I knew the sound was ignorable though in his state I couldn’t quite grasp nor actually care to think about way. It did and I didn’t have to worry about. Such was the mentally I was in right then.
I was still me and I still had all the memories that I was did, but some parts of my mind acted like they were shut down or not working like they might normally have. I remembered but that did mean I could comprehend or even think about everything that was there.
So I turned away from and kept wandering about the rest of the yard. After walking more into the center of the yard I looked more upward and into the dark outlines of the trees around. I didn’t near any birds or anything and the only reason the leaves stirred from time to time as from the wind only. Not seeing anything of too much interest I moved on from there.
As I moved and wandered about I would often phase for a second or two to listen to something - a far off car driving down a road, a dog barking somewhere off in the distance, or some other small sound that picked my lupine interest. I scented and smelled the grass many times even though my human nose wouldn’t really pick up much of anything, not that my wolf thinking mind really cared too much. I had no concept of the minute by minute time, only time as an ever going agent as I usually did not really deep mental shifts. I’m not sure how long I wandered about or just sat in the grass passively. I just moved freely about the yard.
Finally, sleep finally caught up with me and I grew tired as the energy that wanting to shift ran out on me. I finally started to feel like I could sleep. Without a second thought I wandered back up onto the patio. I looked at the back door and I knew it could open but felt no understanding or will to try and open it. My brain could not comprehend the idea of gripping my fingers around the knob or twist at all at that point. So instead I walked over to the outdoor coach nearby. It was a simple wicker coach with a comfortable cushion and a few pillows. I leapt onto the coach and laid myself down on my side with my head resting on my arms and a pillow and my legs curled up close to me.
Sleep came upon me quickly and in my dreams I ran as a wolf through never-ending forest. I slept soundly and didn’t wake until the sky had just barely started to grow slightly lighter. My mind was back to its normal human state once more as sleep had reset my mind to its ‘natural’ state. I remembered all of last nights events though they were slightly hazy in places like any other memory.
I quickly went inside and locked the door back behind me. I went strait into my bedroom to grab a change of cloths and then into the bathroom to take a good bath, making sire to really scrub my arms and legs. While finishing up in the bathroom I head the weekend alarm going off telling my parents it was the time they liked to/needed to get up.
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Date: 13 November 2012 06:21 pm (UTC)