Acceptance

[houseofchimeras]

Description: While trying to piece together what their kintype is, something unexpected comes to light
Date First Written : November 2012

Hello all! I am Bigfeet.

I am a… actually I’m not exactly sure what I am actually right now still. I know roughly my shape and such but I’ve been having a hard time figuring out exactly what I am by name. I’m currently guessing maybe kangaroo, or maybe wallaby sense I feel that I am ‘big’ in this human body compared to how I… was/should be? Sorry, I’ve known about being what I am sense I was like 9 or 10 but only discovered the otherkin community a month or so ago so I’m still trying to orient myself to the fact I’m not alone. I thought that sense I feel like my theriotype is an animal of some kind I would first start out on a therianthropy specific forum so that is why I am here. I thought maybe I might get some ideas on how to better what my species is exactly.

So yeah, I’m fairly sure it kind of has something of a wallaby-like; however I’m fairly sure my species isn’t that ’big’ in the back legs. I have a shorter face too I think. Plus the tail is completely different, but I’ll get to that in detail in a minute. I’m not sure though sense its kind of hard to explain some of the details into words.

So my shifting experiences are a part of my life. I tend to have a lot of phantom and dream shifts. I tend to have at least one dream shift every other night or so in some way, especially sense I’ve started getting better at remembering my dreams when I wake up. So I am guessing I’ve always had a lot of dream shifts but just never remembered them until recently or maybe finding the otherkin community has really started making them go. In my dreams I am usually wandering around in a sparse forest or grassy plain. I’m moving on all four legs usually but I can stand-up and look around or even move forward on two legs too. For phantom shifts I have mostly my phantom tail. I have a really long and almost whip-like phantom tail, which makes me second-guess something like being a wallaby sense their tails are so much more stiff then my phantom tail as it just so easily bends and curves all over the place. (So that is why I am wondering if its another animal with a similar body shape.) My tail being super flexible actually makes it a bit easier on me though because it is so long that my phantom tail actually is something like four or so feet long. Normally it naturally sits up off the ground though in some curved placement or another. Another thing about my phantom tail is their something about the tip, but I’m not sure how to put into words what that is all about. I also have a few other phantom shifts like - phantom little ears on my head, phantom paws, and phantom - well - big feet. Those don’t happen a whole lot though, and its mostly just my long tail. Outside of that, I also get the usual mental shift from time to time - wanting to make sounds instead of words to express my feelings and such. 

But anyway, I am 21 and I’m currently going to college (my second semester) getting a degree in Business and I work part-time in retail. I’d prefer not to give where I live for right now if that’s alright. This is the first online account I’ve ever made minus my Facebook account and so I’m a bit paranoid there.

My hobbies and interests are many. As I mentioned, I tend to remember my dreams generally well. Because of that and because I have so many shifts in my dreams I’ve taken up a big interest in dream recall techniques plus even ways to lucid dream. I’m hoping that maybe I’ll come up with something that might help lead me to exactly what I am. I also love wildlife and animals -surprise, surprise around here I’m sure…-  and I do love camping and exploring outdoors. I don’t tend to watch a lot of television either and tend to spend a lot of time writing little things like stories or poems but I’m not the greatest there.  

I look forward to meeting everyone and I am hoping finding out my theriotype sooner or later!

Sarah read over her introduction post that she had made earlier that morning again as she checked the thread for new replies. Her thread on the therianthropy forum she had made after joining had quickly gained two replies in the first hour of posting it and how checking it again she had three more to read. She had posted the introduction that morning while still at the house and had checked it before she had left for her classes at the university. Now she was checking it a second time after her first class of the morning, Macroeconomics outside in the hall waiting on her next class, National Government in an hour.

The comments back to her thus far were nice and welcoming. The first reply was merely a “Welcome to the forum.” The second reply by a user by the username of Spot The Wolf who had the image of a large spotted domestic dog for an avatar simply said back:

Hi and welcome to the forum from one of the resident domestic dog therians, of which I am a Dalmatian mix or at least that is the best I have come up with so far. 

If you do end up being a wallaby therian, that would be cool. I don’t think I’ve ever even seen a marsupial therian ever before. Even if you are not one, still you seem pretty interesting. I look forward to seeing you around if you decide to stick around and chat.

Now, the three newest ones were there for her to read. The next two were also simply really warm welcoming comments with one person giving her best wishes to finding out what species she was as well as encouraging her to check out several threads which they felt might be helpful. The last and latest post was longer and the user had a few questions to it. It was from a user by the username of Clop who had the image of a horse for their avatar.

Hello and welcome to the forums. That was a really nice introduction. You look like you are really working hard to figure out yourself think critically about your experiences.

Could you tell me a bit more about your dreams? Like what perceptive you are when you have your dreams? Is there anything at all that you can see of yourself in your dreams? What do you do exactly? Are you hunting or are you grazing? Maybe if you achieve lucidity during one of your dream shifts you could rush over to a body of water and look at yourself.

Best of luck, Bigfeet (love the username by the way)! I look forward to seeing your posts around.  

Sarah read through the post and put her rough thoughts together before opening up a word document to start writing out her response to be cut and pasted once she was done. Sarah started writing down her thought and experiences to reply back to them. 

Thank-you everyone for such welcoming responses! I am sure glad to be here and also hope I find my theriotype sooner or later as well.

To your questions, Clop -

In my dreams shifts I am in first-person perspective only, which is actually a bit annoying sense I can’t see what I look like in my dreams at all which would be a lot of help right now for sure. In a lot of my dreams I am wandering around, walking on all fours and then standing upright from time to time. While standing up I can either be on my toes with my ’heel’ off the round or with all that flat. In my dreams I sometimes also walk on my back legs as well with my heel to the ground, but I am not as fast. Walking either way that way seems really easy to me during my dreams. When upright I can use my paws kind of like hands so I sometimes actually see my paws from time to time at the very least. In some of my dreams I will come to a patch of bushes or small trees with colorful berries or small fruits on them and I’ll use my paws to pick and hold the berries or fruit to eat them. The way I roughly hold things kind of reminds me of an raccoon or otter kind of actually. Plus my paws are kind of shaped a long those lines too. On my paws my fur is black but the rest of my front legs are a different color but I am not exactly sure about them as much. Some kind of reddish brown or almost bronze-like orange color. I am not exactly sure, but its something along those lines.

I only seem to eat fruits, nuts, berries, and such. I’ve never had a dream of hunting anything at all. In one dream, I had a vague dream of being hunted (I think) by something flying up above me because I was rushing through some tall grass watching the sky really anxiously and my heart was pounding like crazy. In that dream it was starting to rain and I remember hearing thunder far off which really stood out in the dream for some reason.

It would be nice to one day start achieving lucidity. On a few occasions I’ve realized I was dreaming but each time so far every time I have only woken-up because of it.

With that she copy & pasted her response into the forum’s reply box and hit post. After tat, Sarah looked around the forum some more and replied to a few small threads on her experiences. One was over if one’s therianthropy effected one’s diet, another talked about experiences with phantom limbs, and another asked if anyone people ever experienced ‘theriandar’ or being able to sense if someone was therian or not.

After that, Sarah headed off the therianthrope forum and decided to see if she could find anything that seemed to fit her species by throwing some keywords into the search of an art hosting website again. She thought that maybe someone had taken a picture of an animal or two or drawn one that might fit what animals she was looking for. She started off by typing out different species of wallaby and searching for them. She looked at the pictures to see any similarity between her and them but always hit a miss. So she put in other words to search through to also more misses then even a slight hit. Finally in a lack-luster waning attempt she typed in several words “ whip-like tail wallaby animal.” The search came up with a few random pictures. She glanced down the page and was about to go back to and exit out when one caught her eye. It was the 16th one down. Sarah clicked on it bring it up.

Sarah looked at the drawing on the screen blankly, and saw something similar in shape. It was only a color drawing of creature with nothing else to the picture and drawn in a slightly realistic and slightly cartoon-like style. There was indeed something almost wallaby-like about it plus a bit of mouse-like and a bit of other animals to it as well. It certainly looked similar to how she felt in her dreams in a lot of ways - the rounded body with the large back legs and somewhat shorter front legs with the rounded face and short muzzle yet with a whip-like tail. It certainly wasn’t a real life animal at all. Thoughts started to roll though Sarah’s mind. It wasn’t an Earth animal then, that she was then? Was this based off a real-life animal and just exaggerated a bit? Maybe she was that, or maybe this is a creature from some mythology making her a non-therian kind of otherkin…? A number of wild questions ran back and forth echoing about her mind as her eyes studied the image for things that made it seem right to her.

She looked down and read the drawings description down bellow the image. The drawing was merely titled “Raichu,” saying:

I am actually really surprised how this turned out. Weird animal anatomy is not usually my thing, but raichu has always had a special favorite of mine. I tried for a slightly more realistic style and it ended taking things from a lot of different animals - wallaby, hare, mouse, kangaroo mouse, and even some otter I think got thrown in there in the end. I do like how raichu’s whip-like tail turned out though even though the tip was hard to figure out for the longest time.

Sarah read through the description again. He eyes scanned over the word “raichu” again for third. Sarah bookmarked the webpage and opened up another tab to go the Google homepage to give it a search. What came up read “Pokémon” and below that several cartoon images of the same critter. The word “Pokémon” brought up a sense of recognition; not from her theriotype but from an old memory. She remembered years ago seeing that show on TV a time or two while her sister had control of the TV. She didn’t remember ever seeing that critter on there though, course that wasn’t saying much sense she never gave it that much attention even though her sister had. The style of cartoon image certainly brought back rough memories of how the art style had been in her sketchy memories.

A jumble of thoughts clashed around in her mind. She ran from idea to idea in her mind trying to work things out. She wondered if she was maybe a therian to the animal that raichu was based on so she quarried that, but she found that the critter was based off the kangaroo rat which did not fit what Sarah experienced at all. This aggravated and confused her. She was about to search up a few more things when she glanced down and saw that it was ten minutes before her next class. So without any other choice she turned off her computer and headed into the classroom still with the same thoughts bouncing around in her head.

For the rest of the hour in her National Government class going back and forth in her thoughts and past experiences. Juggling her experiences and dreams against what she had read and seen before class. She racked her brain trying to make sense of it. A little bit over half way through the class, another memory hit her. Something about otherkin identifying as something fictional, but not being from classical literature or even mythology nor being a real-life animal either. She couldn’t remember the word for that right off the top of her head or where she heard of it right then.

When she got out of that class she had her lunch break before her last class for the day which would be Introduction to Biology. So Sarah went down to the university food court to get something and then find a nice quiet place to hull up in for the hour to eat and search in peace. All the way down and while in line Sarah kept focusing her attention on her long whip-like phantom tail which had a weighted end to it. She flicked the tip around nearer to her so that its tip was near her chest. Like she had done several times before she tried to make as clear of mental image in her mind of what her tail looked like based on how it felt- the long whip like part roughly only a few fingers thick only for it to end in a heavy and thicker part that was very stiff and did not move or curve like the rest of her tail. The tip did feel like a flat jagged tip to her. Sarah thought back to herself if it had indeed always been like that or if her mind was just adding that detail in, but she thought her tail had always been like that.

Sarah found the classroom where she liked to hide out and eat dark as usual. It was a classroom not used by anyone at this hour and so made for a great place to stay in until people started wandering in for the up coming class some ten or so minutes beforehand. Better yet for her, it was right down the hall from where her other class was set to be, but there was a class in that one during her break. With her warm sub sandwich beside her laptop just starting to power up, Sarah went back to searching, not bothering to check the therianthrope forum she had made an introduction on for now. She’s check later if anything.

After not too much searching around she found the word she was looking for - fictionkin. That was right, she hadn’t seen to much mention of them through her looking into otherkin over all. The webpage she came upon first while searching fictionkin simply described fictionkin as being :

Someone who identify as being something fictional, but rather than being found in classical mythology they identify as being either an invited species or even a specific character from modern fiction from things like novels, comics, movies, or TV series.

Sarah found another website that talked about fictionkin and read some more.

Otaku-kin or Ota-kin (also known as mediakin or fictionkin) are the craziest of the crazy in the otherkin community. They are people who think they are fictional characters reincarnated. They are people who become so obsessed with anime they think they are some made-up character.

This description put Sarah off. That wasn’t how she felt at all. Heck, she hadn’t even ever actually watched Pokémon before, let alone anything else. She checked a few more websites which also had information on what fictionkin were, however much of what she saw was not positive at all or even fit what she was herself. Plus she could find almost nothing from actual fictionkin either starting out. 

Sarah decided to take a break check onto the therianthrope forum she had joined. Sarah wondered if she could ask the forum what they thought about her maybe being a raichu therian, scrolling up and down the index page as she thought. Unsure of herself she went to search fictionkin into the search of the forum. She wondered if anyone had any other thoughts on this fictionkin thing that might give her an idea on what she was looking at really. There weren’t many comments about them it seemed as only one thread was about fictionkin came up though it was labeled otakukin instead.

She clicked on the thread and it brought up the whole thread in question. The first post asked the simple questions of what “fictionkin/otakukin” were, if they were really otherkin or not, and if they were not just crazy. The first response post to it was a simple:

 Otakukin (I find it funny their now trying to call themselves ‘fictionkin’ as if that will make them any better) are people who believe they have the soul of an anime character trapped inside of them. They’re just anime fans taking it too far if you ask me.

 The second response wasn’t any better with:

Otakukin? No - just no. If I saw an otakukin running around any otherkin board, I say they should be banned and their Email be given out with everyone being encouraged to go have fun with them.

Sarah kept looking down the page but wasn‘t seeing anything good at all. One person commented to the person who said that otakukin should be openly trolled, stating that they found their comment cruel and unnecessary while two people stated they felt the same as the other person with how they felt any fictionkin should be treated. The next user added:

I think they should certainly be called oatkukin and not fictionkin (or any other silly word they can think of to maybe make themselves look better). Why?

Because within Japanese culture, an "otaku" is a person with a damaging obsession with something that interferes with everyday life.

So calling them out as otakukin is pretty much saying their "I-Have-A-Problem-And-An-Obsession-That-Is-Self-Destructive"-Kin.

The next person quoted the former only to add:

That's just awesome. So all they really are just overly obsessed anime fantards. Least the nutcases are being honest and being called out on it.

Another poster stated:

Otaku-kin?

You. Have. Got. To. Be. Kidding.

They weren't these various characters, as their only the creation of someone's imagination.

I love anime. I think Cowboy Bebop is one of the best series ever. But I can’t delude myself into thinking it’s a historical account of actual events.

So in effect, I think it's a load of bull. I think they just want attention. Plain and simple.

The next stated:

Honestly, I think there are very few things more arrogant and selfish than to take someone's imagination and hard work, and turn their creation into something completely different. Its wrong.

Speaking as a writer, my creations are basically my babies. Further a lot of my main characters often in up having some characteristics of me or ideals I wish to work toward in me them too. To think that some lowlife might take my hard work and urinate all over it by abusing it for the purpose of backing up their identification with a character  - really sickens me.

Sarah’s heart sake a bit more again as she read that comment. It wasn’t like it was her choice, was it? She had just happened to identify as a raichu or something pretty much like one. She hadn’t even known or at least remembered they existed until. Was she really being selfish by admitting that her experiences matched or at least were pretty close to a fictional creature? Was she playing mind games with herself? Sarah started to feel sick. Terrible. She felt conflicted as she shut her eyes and wished she could will everything about her experiences away - no more phantom limbs, or dreams, or mental shifts. She didn’t want to be an otherkin. She didn’t want to be a raichu fictionkin even more so.

At that point Sarah caught herself back. She blankly wondered to herself if she was actually and honestly considering her theriotype was a raichu? A Pokémon? That she wasn’t a therianthrope but a fictionkin? Her experiences still felt the same for when she considered herself a therian, and she still felt like an animal but she wasn’t?  She stopped and wondered if she was just working herself up and jumping to conclusions. She needed to clam down and take a step back. She needed to be as objective as possible.

She looked back onto the screen of her laptop and was about to scroll back up to the top of the thread to go back when two posts caught her attention. They were two of the last few posts catch on the thread. One said:

I don't really see that much of a difference between someone who identifies as something physically real vs. someone who identifies as something mythological vs. someone who identifies as something fictional. From just a psychological standpoint alone it doesn’t really matter - an identity is an identity. If that is how someone really feels and honestly experiences things then really the shape doesn’t matter as far as the brain cares.

When it comes to spiritual matters, well, let’s face it depending on who you talk to and what their beliefs are all of us could be discounted by somebody. Some people believe that animals have souls and some don’t (or believe only certain animals have them). Some people do believe in others or realms where dragons, unicorns and all that could be and some people don’t. Some people believe in infinite universes or that once a number of people think or believe in an idea entities can slowly be created from it, and obviously a number of people don’t.

So we could debate cause to death really, but at the end of the day if the experiences are honestly there, then they are there.   

Sarah perked up a bit and her phantom tail raised back up from near the ground. She hadn’t noticed how much the tip of her tail had lowered to the ground. She thought that poster, by the username of Charcoal Feathers with an avatar depicting a drawing of a crow, had made a fair lot of sense. Causation of her identity had never really occurred to Sarah at all but the idea of striking off any identity as being possible just because people had different beliefs in how being otherkin is caused did seem weird. Another poster by the username of Jaguarmancy who posted after Charcoal Feathers added to their post say:

What, Charcoal Feathers said. I mean, identifying with something from modern fiction is pretty weird, but let’s fact it we’re all a bit weird. I'd be inclined to hear what they had to say. If they are trying to be honest and being reasonable with their conclusion - sure why not. I like to think I am the mind of person that would listen first and make personal judgments afterward rather then just jump to judgment.

Instead of going back up to the page like she had planned she blindly just exited her web browser completely and sat back to give out the sigh. Her mind going every which way without any clear idea on what to do or what to think right then or there. Sarah decided she needed to take a break from looking at any of this to just let everything soak in. She heard a sound and turned to see the classroom door open and four people come walking in, one hitting the lights. She looked up at the clock to find it was just after ten minutes till next class. She shut down her laptop and hurried out the door and down the hall, feeling emotionally drained already from the day. As she headed into the large lecture room and found her preferred seat she decided to drop any research on any of that for the day if not a few days to gather herself and her thoughts before trying to look at her own experiences and compare them with anything.

*         *        *

Sarah woke suddenly from a dream of wandering though a forest again. She rolled over to find that she had sleep in a little for an average Saturday morning. It had been over a month sense last. Sarah had been posting on the forum fairly regularly about her experiences as well as learning more and more about therianthrope and even otherkin over all at large. She had not, however, been talking about what she had been suspecting as her theriotype at all over any of her stay there while discussing things. After laying in bed for a little while, but unable to sleep, she made up her mind.

Sarah sat up and went over to her laptop o her desk and turned it on. She went to her documents folder and found a word document titled “explanation” and opened it revealing two full pages worth of writing. She’d worked on it all last week and she was finally ready to post it and hope for the best. She logged into the therian forum under her username “Bigfeet” and went to the section for discussing therianthropy and hit the button for “New Thread.” She copy and pasted its contents into the respective places and hit post. After a second of pause, her new thread appeared and front of her. Once again, she began to read over what she had worked on:

Okay. I’ve been thinking about making this thread for several weeks now, and before that spent a good month debating if I was mistaken or just going crazy. I think I’ve found my theriotype (I‘m mostly sure at this point that its what I am identity wise), but its not what I thought it was starting out. Its kind of a long story and to be honest I’m not sure if it will make as much sense to you as it does to me. I hope you’ll give me a chance to explain everything as best to my ability.

It all started the day I first made my introductory post. For that might not remember, I talked about how I still wasn’t sure what my theriotype was exactly but I knew kind of what it looked like and how it acted. But I kept looking and I found something I wasn‘t excepting and something that took a while to get my head around. I found… … … … … …

Comments

[avia]

Wow, this is really powerful. It reads like a realistic experience of what someone would find, going on forums and the internet... I'm impressed how you managed to make all the people posting sound very realistic.

[houseofchimeras]

Glad you liked it. Writing it was truly an emotional process having to go back and take my own thoughts and feelings from when I discovered my Source and giving those to the story character.

Sadly to say, but in truth, all of the responses over fictionkin are in fact very, very real. They are basically rewordings of what people actually have said about fictionkin in any number of old threads from various communities.

I am very glad that you enjoyed it, and glad that it is as powerful as I hoped it would be.

- Mist Weaver

[avia]

Yeah, it doesn't surprise me... I have seen how people act. It's really irrational, particularly when people only are struggling to do their best to understand their selves.

I'm really sorry the experience was like that for you. It's horrible that there is no safe way to be out as fictionkin.

[houseofchimeras]

Yes, but a the very least, I take comfort in that it has gotten better. If I or Cavern-Risen had come out as fictionkin even as not to far long gone as 2009 or 2010, we likely would have been met with so much negative reaction. But when I came out first on Werelist in 2011, it was okay. And its gotten better.

Its only grown my resolve that the best way to change people's perceptions from within the community, its to do it yourself. If I may dare use the similarly, perhaps its not to far from how people naturally start thinking of people who are transgender in an a more and more okay light once they actually know someone. That things they are told and have heard about suddenly becomes real, and they realize just how much they really are just like everyone else really.

That's kind of how I've grown to stand. If I can make it better in some small way for maybe someone down the road, then I will have done what I wished.

- Mist Weaver